Parenting from the Heart

Forgiving our Mothers, Healing Ourselves

2008-06-16T13:58:00.001-12:00

“How can I love when I was never loved?” my mother Theresa once asked. When she was only five, Theresa’s own mother had died in childbirth. Her father soon married another young woman in the village, and the family continued to grow. Being the oldest of 13 children, Theresa was saddled with enormous responsibility and hard work. And she always missed the love and affection of her own mother.

Mama expressed her love and care for her own five children in the only way she knew how—by doing. She cooked and baked, washed and ironed, gardened and canned. She knew little about tenderness, affection, and comforting. Unfortunately, all of her hard work didn't fill my primal hunger for attention, warmth, and love. For years I tried to mend our relationship, but I was met with little success.

Several years ago, as a grown woman with grown children of my own, things began to change when I attended a workshop. At one point we were asked to think of someone against whom we had grievances. We were to write those grievances on a piece of paper. I plunged right in: My mother didn’t love me. She didn’t show affection. She played favorites. She didn’t listen to me. She didn’t accept me for who I was. The painful list went on and on.

The leader's voice interrupted: “Are you willing to let her off the hook totally and completely?” I thought about her sitting in the nursing home near my home. She had little interest in living. Time was running out. I resolved to try once again to heal our connection. “Yes!” I shouted.

As I prepared myself for the visit, I remembered something important I had learned in graduate school: What parents need to hear more than anything from their grown children is, “You did an okay job.” I thought about Mama’s childhood experiences. Her family struggled to survive poverty in Germany, and there was little nurturance and emotional comfort in her own childhood. Later in life she worked very hard taking care of the physical needs of her husband and five children. She did her best. In fact, she gave us more than she had received as a child.

Driving to the nursing home I rehearsed what I wanted to say to my 88-year-old mother. She wasn’t in her room or on the patio. At last I found her, slumped in a wheelchair in front of a television. “Hello, Mama,” I said as I wheeled her outside to the patio. Then I took a deep breath and awkwardly began: “I know that I was a difficult child for you and I’m sorry. You did an okay job as a parent, and I am okay.” Her head was limp; her eyes were closed. I didn’t know if she was hearing my words.

I thanked her for all the good things she had done for me: sewing and mending and washing my clothes, growing vegetables and canning fruits and cooking healthy meals from scratch. And I thanked her for allowing me to go to college. I felt gratitude for every good thing she did for us. Then I paused, hugged her, and whispered, “I love you.” Silence filled the room. “Mama, do you have anything to say?” More silence…I held my breath. Then a feeble voice murmured, “Forgive me.” Those powerful words mysteriously released all of my painful childhood memories and grievances. They were her last words. Three days later she died.

The late-night call shocked me. I immediately called my daughter and went to her apartment. Kristen greeted me with an embrace and a glass of blood-red wine in a crystal goblet. Mozart’s Requiem Mass was playing in the background. She held me as I cried. Through my tears, I spotted a lighted candle set in a brown box. Mama had always kept that special box in her vanity—saving it for the last Sacrament of Extreme Unction for departing souls. I gathered the box and its contents, and we walked to the nursing home.

Mama was on the bed in her room. The wrinkled body looked like her, but it was empty. Her feet were still warm. I removed a bottle of rosewater and the antique gauze from the box. With great care I anointed the arms that had held me, the breasts that had nursed me, the face that hadn't laughed enough. Greatly relieved that I had finally made my peace with her, I bid farewell to the body that had given me life. We lit the candle, read the prayers, and sent her spirit on its way.

At her funeral I conveyed to my four siblings this powerful experience, as well as Mama's request for forgiveness. The healing was not just for me, but for all of us.

After her burial, my siblings and I gathered to tell stories about her. We laughed as, for the first time ever, we told funny stories about Mama. It was a time of remembering and honoring her life. That commemoration of Mama’s life was the best family celebration we ever had.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.

For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

An Attitude of Gratitude: The Key to a Sweet Life

2008-06-16T13:53:00.001-12:00

Never in the history of human procreation has parenting been an easy endeavor. It comes naturally, to be sure, but juggling the needs of a family is anything but simple. Feeding, cleaning, and clothing children can be stressful enough, but when you add the responsibilities of a home, a spouse, and a job, the challenge can seem overwhelming. Yet the juggling act that parenting requires can call forth coping skills and creativity that we didn’t know we had.

“If, for a hundred thousand years, you’ve been stirring the soup with one hand and holding the baby with the other, kicking off the woolly mastodon with one foot and rocking a cradle with the other, watching out for the return of the hunters with one eye and determining with the other on which cave wall you will paint a magical bison, then you are going to develop a very complex consciousness,” writes Jean Houston.

And that was in the days before soccer practice, ballet lessons, and video games. No matter how you slice it, parenting is a lot of work.

Work was the primary value for my German immigrant parents. My father was a sheet metal worker whose hands were as hard as shoe leather. He would leave early in the morning and come home tired at night. His deepest belief was: “Arbeit macht das Leben süss.” Work makes life sweet.

My mother also saw work as her duty. Managing a household for eight people required a very strict schedule: On Monday she washed the clothes and hung them on the line. If they didn’t dry, or if it rained, she had to re-hang them in the basement. Tuesday was ironing day. She could iron a shirt in three minutes flat! On Wednesday she mended clothes. On Thursday she changed the bedding and cleaned upstairs. Friday was her day to clean downstairs. On Saturday she shopped for groceries, baked bread, and made soup stock for the week. On Sunday, after church, she made a pot roast or chicken.

In addition to the weekly routine, she also had to “spring clean” the whole house, dig and plant the garden, can tomatoes and applesauce in the fall, and bake special breads and cookies for Christmas. She was so busy working so hard for us that there was little time or energy left for sweet “quality time” with us.

Some important things were missing in our house. For example, I rarely heard anyone express gratitude. Neither of my parents gave or received appreciation for hard work. They had probably never actually heard gratitude expressed in in their own families of originl. As a result, they had no idea how to express appreciation for each other or for us. And we children didn’t learn how to do it either. Yet gratitude would have added much sweetness to our family life.

When people feel unappreciated, their self-esteem sags. They may feel resentful, or they may complain about how hard they work and how ungrateful everyone is. Instead of moaning and groaning when you feel this way, you might try to ask for what you want: “I worked hard today and would like a hug, applause, and/or a pat on the back.”

If you’re not getting the strokes you need, you can give them to yourself. Tell yourself what you want to hear: “Good for you! That dinner was delicious.” Give yourself a pat on the back when you deserve it or need it. Then pat someone else’s. Your kids will pick this up from you.

It’s so easy to say, “Thanks for what you did.” “You did a good job!” Acknowledge efforts. Encourage others. Be generous with your kind words. They reduce tension, increase motivation, and sweeten relationships.

When we live with gratitude, we focus on what’s right rather than on what’s wrong. We look at what we do have rather than what we don’t have. Exercising gratitude can improve our physical and mental health, raise our energy level, and even relieve our pain and fatigue. Get a gratitude journal. Write down things for which you are thankful every day. It will increase your overall satisfaction with life and boost your happiness.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.

For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Become the Parent You Wish You’d Had

2008-06-16T13:47:00.002-12:00

“How many of you think your parents loved you as a child?” Most of the hands in the room go up. “Now, how many of you felt loved?” Just a sprinkling of hands remains. No matter where I speak, the response is generally the same.

What was it like growing up in your family? Did you know you were loved? Did you feel loved? Could you trust your family? How were you disciplined? And the most important question: Do you want to raise your chidren the same way?

From one generation to the next, parents tend to do to their children what was done to them—because that’s what they learned from their own parents. If, for example, their folks took good care of them and protected them from harm, they will take good care of their own children and protect them as well. Unfortunately, negative patterns also tend to repeat, generation after generation, until someone commits to making the necessary changes that will put their family on the higher road.

Parenting is like a “blueprint” that is embedded in the subconscious mind. The way our moms and dads parented us is a powerful tool in determining what kind of moms and dads we will be. If you are happy with how you were raised, the blueprint will serve you. If not, you have the opportunity to design a better one. It’s most important, therefore, to take an honest look at your family history. Only an honest and complete survey of your family life will allow you to uncover the blueprint.

My mother was the oldest of twelve siblings living in difficult circumstances in Germany. She had too many responsibilities too early, and her parents were unable to meet some of her most important needs. Many years later, while she was raising five children of her own, she talked about how much she had always missed the love of her own mother. “How can I love when I never was loved?”

I decided early on that I would raise my kids differently. I wouldn’t follow the blueprint given to me by my family of origin. Becoming a loving, playful, positive mother became my life’s mission and passion. Both of my books tell how I unlearned the things that I didn’t want to be part of my own family, and how I learned what I did want. Many years later, my three grown children and I continue to enjoy the close family relationships that I longed for as a youngster.

If there were negative patterns in your family—addictions, abuse, or neglect, for example—you can create a better life for your kids. Instead of repeating negative patterns, you can make a firm, conscious commitment to become the parent you wish you’d had. Instead of repeating old mistakes, you can learn from them. Instead of wounding your children, you can heal yourself. What a triumph this would be for you, your children, and your grandchildren.

Karl Menninger summed it up: “Love cures people - those who give it and those who receive it.” When we deeply love our little ones and fulfill their physical and emotional needs, we set the foundation for mental health, self-esteem, and a life-long connection.

Self-esteem is rooted in unconditional love: love with no strings attached; love with respect, acceptance, empathy, sensitivity and warmth; love that says, “Regardless of what you do, I love and accept you for who you are.” Truly, love is the best gift you give to your children—and to yourself. And it all comes back to you!

This quotation from Eastern philosophy can inspire you to take the first step on this uplifting path: “Man who chooses the beginning of a path also chooses the end of it.”

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.

For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Twelve Tips for a Happier Family

2008-06-16T13:02:00.001-12:00

It is in our nature to pursue happiness; why, then, is misery so common? How is it that the rates of depression in the U.S. are ten times higher than they were 50 years ago? And how is it that the average age for the onset of depression is 14, as compared to 29 in the 1960s? Where have we gone wrong?

Fortunately, there is good news: The Positive Psychology movement has ushered in the new Science of Happiness. We now know that happiness can be learned. In this article you will find proven tools and simple strategies for improving the quality of your life. An uplifting approach, new skills, and different choices can make a world of difference in your life. When you make positive choices, you begin an upward spiral. Things will just keep getting better and better.

Here are Twelve “Happiness Boosters”:

1. Close relationships. The most important factor in a satisfying life is having close relationships. Brain research tells us that humans are “hardwired for connection.” As we improve our ability to get along with others, family life gets better and better.

2. A sense of purpose. In order to be happy, we need to have a sense of direction, a sense of purpose. Children give our lives new meaning and a profound sense of purpose. All the things we do for them on a daily basis—feed, clothe, and comfort them, and teach and support them—are part of our mission to be good parents.

3. Nurture positive emotion. When we are enjoying positive feelings, we are creative, expansive, and tolerant. When we are in a good mood we are more likable, and our connections are likely to improve. This is also true for our children and our partners. It’s worth the effort to put more positive emotion into their lives and our own.

4. Positive expectations. When adults have negative expectations of children, they project those expectation onto their kids. Kids “read” that. They don’t want to disappoint you, so they are likely to do what you really don’t want them to do. Children live up to—or down to—your expectations. Expecting good things of them will inspire the positive behaviors you want.

5. Improve your listening skills. Think back to a time when you had something important to say and you were not listened to. What happened inside of you? Now remember a time when the person really listened, hanging on to your every word. You felt important, loved, worthwhile. Good listening is a gift—to both the speaker and the listener. It is an opportunity to be in tune with another person, to experience his or her inner world, to have empathy, and to be connected. This skill is crucial for connecting with others and for being happy.

6. Keep feelings moving. To be healthy and happy we need to know how to deal with a full range of feelings. “Healthy kids emote all the time; they roar and cry and yell and giggle and keep their emotions in motion, moving through them.” (The Winning Family, Louise Hart) All emotions are okay. You can help your children move through their emotions by letting them express those emotions. Then you can help them put a name to each emotion. When kids can “talk it out” they don’t have to “act it out.” They don’t have to hold their feelings inside. Becoming comfortable with all of your own feelings can help you re-parent yourself as you parent your child.

7. Let go of perfectionism. “Perfectionism is the world’s greatest con game. It’s a concept that doesn’t fit reality.” (On the Wings of Self-Esteem, Louise Hart) My favorite definition of a perfectionist is: someone who takes great pains and gives them to others! Humans are not perfect. Kids drop, spill, and forget things, and so do we. When we expect “perfect” we end up being frustrated, disappointed, and angry—very unhappy. Decide right now to stop pretending to be perfect. Laugh at bloopers. Resolve to learn how to let go of perfectionism.

8. Play more. Be silly. Have more fun. When we play, important things are happening beneath the surface. The thrill of being alive pervades our bodies. If you have forgotten how to play, your children can help you remember. My children helped me remember some wonderful old games like hide-and-seek and squirt-gun fights. They even encouraged me to try new games like hacky-sack and skateboarding. Through our children we can see the world with fresh eyes. With them we can cut loose from stuffy adultness, be totally foolish, and get away with being unforgivably silly! We can reclaim forgotten parts of ourselves and rediscover the finer points of childhood. Families—and life—are supposed to be fun!

9. Appreciation and Gratitude. Moms work hard. Dads work hard. Yet research has found that they mostly don’t feel appreciated. When we don’t feel appreciated, we may feel resentful. We may grumble about how hard we work and how ungrateful everyone is. The good news: Appreciation is easy to give and it can improve the emotional climate in your home. Here’s a homework assignment for you: Make a Gratitude List. Think of five or ten things you are grateful for every day. Do it with your family. Talk about this at dinner or when you’re putting your kids to bed. Focusing on gratitude will make you happier.

10. Simplify, simplify, simplify. We Americans are trying to fit more and more things into less and less time. And it doesn’t work. Too much stuff and too many activities stress and overwhelm us. As the emphasis on material possessions increases, so do the levels of depression. Too much stuff burdens us and distracts us from what really brings us happiness: a sense of purpose and meaning, and playing and having fun on a daily basis.

11. Adjust your focus. Do you see the glass as half-empty or half-full? Do you first see the low grades or the high grades on the report card? Are you a fault-finder or a strength-builder? I remember visiting my mother when I was pregnant with my first child. I wore a dress that I made myself. My peers thought I had done a wonderful job and had told me so, so I was eager to show it off to my mom. I knocked on the door. When she opened it, she looked me over from top to bottom and said, “You have a spot on your dress.” Sadly, she missed the beauty of the garment and my excitement and triumph in creating it. Her focus on finding fault hurt me deeply and disconnected us even further. If she had had a positive focus she could have seen the beauty of the dress and my excitement; it would have been a sweet moment that brought us closer. (She might have mentioned the spot later and helped me remove it. This would have felt like a favor, not an attack.)

12. Emotions are contagious. Little children who are loved and cared for have a natural joy; when you’re in tune with them, their joy can be infectious. Older children, even ten-year-olds, can be taught the skills of optimistic and hopeful thinking and action. In The Optimistic Child, Martin Seligman reports that when children learn to be optimistic and hopeful, their rates of depression are cut in half during puberty. Adults can also learn to be optimistic—if they really want to learn.

As you apply these tips you will notice an increase in your own positive feelings—and those of your family members. Begin now and keep at it. Little changes can make a big difference.

Making your kids happy makes you happy. And when you are happy and smiling more, your kids will be happier and laughing more. These choices—these changes—can begin an upward spiral towards having a happier family.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, and non-guilt provoking!”

For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Encouraging Words To Improve Family Life and Build Self-Esteem

2008-06-16T12:32:00.003-12:00

Never in the history of human procreation has parenting been easy. It comes naturally, to be sure, but juggling the needs of a family is anything but simple. Feeding, cleaning, and clothing can be stressful enough, but when you add the responsibilities of a home, a spouse, and a job, the challenge often seems overwhelming. Fortunately, the juggling act that parenting requires can call forth coping skills and creativity that we didn't know we had.

One hundred thousand years or so ago, a typical mom would be "stirring the soup with one hand and rocking the baby with the other, kicking off the woolly mastodon with one foot and rocking a cradle with the other, watching out for the return of the hunters and determining with the other on which cave wall she would paint a magical bison..." (Jean Houston). That was in the days before ballet lessons, birthday parties, soccer practice—and the demands of a job. No matter how you slice it, parenting is a lot of work.

My German immigrant parents were hard workers. Papa was a sheet metal worker whose hands were as hard as shoe leather. His life reflected his deepest belief: "Arbeit macht das Leben süess." Work makes life sweet.

My mother managed a household of eight people, which required a strict schedule. Monday was washday. She washed the clothes in the basement and then she hung them on the lines in the yard. If it rained, she had to take them down and re-hang them in the basement. Tuesday was ironing day. She could iron a shirt in three minutes flat! On Wednesday she mended clothes. On Thursday she changed bed sheets and cleaned upstairs. On Friday she cleaned the downstairs. Saturday was shopping day. She also baked bread and made soup stock for the week. On Sunday, after church, she cooked a pot roast or chicken for dinner.

But something very important was missing in our home: emotional warmth and appreciation. My parents had not received affirmation and appreciation when they were young, and they didn't know how to give it. Words of criticism slipped out of their mouths more easily than words of gratitude. Yet positive words would have added sweetness to our family life and increased everyone’s self-esteem.

I remember returning home as a teacher, eager to show my mother a beautiful maternity dress I had made. Opening the door, she gave me a quick glance saying, “You have a spot on your dress.” Her thoughtless criticism hurt me deeply. Sadly, because of her mindset, she missed seeing the beauty of the garment and couldn’t sense my feeling of triumph. Another opportunity for mother-daughter closeness and shared joy was lost.

When people suffer “appreciation deprivation,” their self-esteem sags. They may feel resentful, or they may complain about how hard they work and how ungrateful everyone is. Everyone suffers as a result of these negative feelings.

Here’s the good news: Appreciation and encouragement can change the emotional climate in your home. Here are 10 words and phrases you might use:

1. "Thanks for setting the table."
2. "I'm glad you remembered to brush your teeth.”
3. "I like how you share toys with your friend.”
4. “I appreciate what you do.”
5. “I’m glad you’re my son/daughter/partner.”
6. “You’re fun to play with.”
7. “That was a good try.”
8. “You are so thoughtful!”
9. “I like the way you listen.”
10. “You’re terrific!”

When you look for the good stuff and comment on it, you can actually increase it! That’s because, what you look for you find, and what you focus on expands. And according to brain research, emotions are contagious. Therefore, while criticism and hurtful words increase negative feelings, gratitude and kindness increase positive feelings, reduce tension, and sweeten relationships.

Instead of giving ourselves critical and unkind messages—“stinkin’ thinkin’—we can use positive messages in our self-talk. Tell yourself what you would like to hear. "Good for me!” “The dinner was delicious!" “I’m a good mom/dad.” You might even give yourself a pat on the back. It’s also okay to ask for what you want: "I worked very hard today and would like a hug, a thank you, or, applause.” Don’t miss opportunities to give kind, positive messages to others. Relationships are happier when couples frequently give each other appreciation and gratitude for their contributions. Your kids will notice those positive messages and do the same, learning pro-social skills in the process.

Little changes can make a big difference. When we are gracious, we focus on what's right rather than what's wrong. We look at what we do have rather than what we don't have. When you count your blessings and sprinkle your days with appreciation, you will notice joy increasing in your family.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”

For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Honoring Today’s Dads

2008-06-14T02:57:00.004-12:00

I noticed something remarkable on a recent outing to the playground with my granddaughters. Four dads in a row were pushing their toddlers on swings—almost in sync. The playful dance thrilled me! Several other dads were there that warm, sunny morning: one was blowing bubbles, one was comforting a hurt child and wiping her tears, and some were talking with each other. One man told me that becoming a dad had a greater impact on his sense of purpose and meaning in life than any other transition.

That scene was strikingly different from playground scenes thirty years ago when my kids were young. In 1970, 24% of all households had the “traditional” arrangement of a breadwinning father married to a homemaking mother who was also the primary childcare provider. Today only 7% fit that model.

At that time gender roles ruled at the playground—and in the home. Although women (like myself) were in charge of the home front, it was understood that we were “just housewives” and “didn’t work.” Caring for the children was considered women’s work and was therefore undervalued by society. I remember hearing a dad boast that, even though he had five children, he had never changed a diaper. More and more men are now co-parenting and sharing housework.

What an enormous change in our families! According to family historian Stephanie Coontz, marriage has changed more in the last 30 years than in the previous 3,000. “Men’s greater involvement at home is good for their relationships with their spouses, and also good for their children. Fathers who are more involved with their families raise sons who are more expressive and empathic and daughters who are more likely to do well in school—especially in math and science.”

This increased time and involvement with their children means that fathers are bonding with them—early and deeply. This is great news for the children, the dads, the moms, and society as a whole. Research tells us that the number one antidote to risky behavior in children is a strong relationship with a parent. This connection will protect kids throughout their childhood years and give them inner strength as they encounter the dangers of society.

The recent changes in family life have brought many benefits:
• More equal family roles, including co-parenting and partnerships,
• Greater personal freedom and independence,
• Increased mobility.

These changes also present a host of new challenges:
• Disconnection from extended family,
• Isolation from neighbors and community,
• Maintenance of healthy balance between work and home life.

The grandparent-grandchild relationship is very special. Because my folks were immigrants, I never knew my own grandparents. I committed to doing whatever was necessary to ensure that my grandchildren had a different experience, so ten years ago I moved 1500 miles across the country to be close to them. The connections are sweeter than I had imagined, for all three generations. Solutions to the common disconnection between grandparents and grandchildren are offered in my book, The Winning Family; you can “adopt” grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and extend your family.

In addition, dads and moms need a new parenting style that is not based on dominance and submission, orders and obedience. Partner-parents need to learn the Democratic Leadership Style, which is based on mutual respect, communication, choice, and cooperation.

“Like father, like son” is an old expression that is currently being questioned and disproved. The fathers of the last generation were defined by their roles as sole breadwinners and strict disciplinarians. The phrase, “Wait until your father comes home…” struck fear in the hearts of many youngsters, and undermined a loving connection between fathers and their children.

The modern partner-dads who are designing a new vision place a premium on:
• Being there. Investing in family. Engaging and connecting deeply.
• Holding others in high regard. Showing respect.
• Knowing that kids see and imitate everything they do and say.
• Listening intently to others and encouraging their opinions.
• Discussing the rules.
• Committing to peaceful, non-violent conflict resolution.

The family of origin has a huge influence. We can learn from the past—the way we were raised—and make a better future for our children.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.

For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Sometimes Parents Say Dumb Things: Ideas for Damage Control

2008-03-24T05:07:00.008-12:00

Parents sometimes say dumb things without even thinking about it. "You're gonna fall down" (yet wanting the kid to not fall from the tree), or "Your teeth will rot and fall out" (trying to get her to brush her teeth), or "You're gonna get sick" (to a boy who doesn't put on his sweatshirt). Instead of telling children what they do want, the parents focus on what they don't want and instill fear and negativity.

I said a dumb thing at a picnic in the mountains with my children. After we ate, my twelve-year-old son asked, "Mom, can I climb that mountain"? I looked at the mountain and looked at him and said, "Okay." A little later, my seven-year-old son asked the same question, "Can I climb the mountain?" Thoughtlessly I replied, "No Felix, you're too clumsy." When I heard what I had said, I wished I could eat my words. At the time, I didn't know how to "fix" it.

Back home, he became a walking disaster. He began to drop, spill, bump into, and fall over everything. Every time he went to pour milk, it was all over the counter. He was probably saying to himself, "That all-important, all-knowing person who is my mother thinks that I am clumsy. So I must be clumsy." Without realizing it, I had created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Feeling guilty about and responsible for this problem, I tried hard to not make matters worse. Whenever there was a mess, I calmly encouraged him to clean it up. After two long weeks, he returned to his normal, not-so-clumsy self.

Many parents at my workshops admit that they also have said dumb things—and wish they hadn't. Without intending to, without meaning to, thoughtless words can do lots of damage and cause lots of pain.

There are two huge problems to consider: First of all, when children are little, they believe you! They think that you say what you mean and mean what you say. Hurtful words, therefore, can cut deeply. Second, they take it personally! They can internalize your criticism and repeat it to themselves over and over, maybe for the rest of heir live. So it goes on after you go off!

I spent a lot of time "replaying" the incident, trying to figure out how I might do it differently if it should ever happen again. One thing I might have said was, "That was a clumsy thing for me to say. I'm sorry!" Then I could have given him a hug and called his brother to wait up and take him along. Or I could have gone up the mountain with him. Doing those things might have "undone" the careless words and reversed the damage.

I learned many lessons from this mistake:

• Never label children. It hurts them. They tend to believe it, and then become it. Also, labels ("Stupid") can become much larger than we intend and have far-reaching impact.

• Don't start sentences with "You". If instead of saying, "You're clumsy," I had said, "I don't think it's a good idea", there would not have been a problem. I-statements don't get us into as much trouble as You-statements do.

I had other important insights:

• Words have more power than we imagine.

• Sometimes the tongue works faster than the brain.

• At times we have to bite out tongue so that it doesn't get us into trouble.

Now I think first before I talk, and am very care-ful about what comes out of my mouth. So I have to worry less about damage control.

Scar tissue on the tip of the tongue is like a badge of honor. It means that you care enough to stop, cool off, and not inflict wounds. It is a sign that you care deeply about your child.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.

For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Shaping Great Kids With Positive Parenting

2008-03-24T01:46:00.009-12:00

According to a Canadian survey, nearly 30% of infants and young children have an identifiable emotional, social, or intellectual problem that could have been prevented through positive parenting.

Positive parenting involves all aspects of healthy child development. Based on decades of research, it enhances the physical, social, and mental health of children by addressing major skill areas that inform future well-being. Parents who use this approach have children who are healthier and happier, as well as more cooperative, connected, and confident.

The relationship between emotional experiences as children, and physical and mental health as adults, is powerful and life-long. Childhood traumas give birth to high-risk behaviors, disorders, diseases, and unspeakable pain and suffering. Unfortunately, there’s a tendency to do to our children what was done to us—repeat the “bad stuff”—because that’s how we learned to parent. As a result, parents find themselves caught in a downward spiral.

Here’s the good news: Raising children gives parents the opportunity to take the high road. They can heal themselves by choosing to not repeat the “bad stuff” and choosing instead to change negative intergenerational family patterns. This heroic work requires that parents be aware of and learn to manage their emotions and behaviors. It also requires parents to be responsive to the needs of their children. Empathy—putting yourself in your child’s shoes and recalling what childhood was like for you—can become your motivation to change intergenerational patterns. Treating children with respect and tuning in to their thoughts and feelings can make a huge difference.

It started for me when I was very young. As a childhood victim of anger and abuse, I swore that I would never subject my children to the same treatment. Many other parents have made the same vow, resolving not to repeat harmful actions that caused them fear, anger, and suffering. They consciously explore ways to be not reactive, but pro-active in raising healthy kids. Starting with those good intentions, they learn to improve communication and other skills. This allows them to move into an upward spiral.

Positive parents learn to focus on the “good stuff”—respect, warmth, nurturance, empathy, and win-win attitudes. They discover that when they focus on the behaviors they want from their children, those behaviors increase. At the same time, the behaviors that they don’t want fall away and disappear. It’s the Law of Attraction: What you focus on expands.

There are lots of ways of looking at things. When parents change their thoughts and beliefs, they can actually change their worlds and their children’s worlds. When you change your mind, you change your life.

Invest in Kids/Canada has created three main “How To’s” for positive parenting: Comfort, Play & Teach™. Tried and true, each is a simple way of relating more positively to children:

• Comfort. Love/comfort is the primary necessity of babies and children. There are many shades of comfort/love: caring, nurturing, touch, affection, understanding, compassion, and warmth. When you comfort your children, meet their needs, and show respect and empathy, they feel secure, valued, and content.

• Play. The “work” of children is play, and moms and dads are their favorite playmates. This enriching activity has far-reaching benefits—fun, silliness, spontaneity, creativity, connection, and more. Important things happen beneath the surface when children play.

• Teach. Parents help their children learn about life by teaching. Talking about and commenting on situations helps kids solve problems, understand new things, and make sense of the world.

I would add to the list:
• Flex and Yield. Structure and routine are very important, but rigidity can lead to unwanted struggles. It’s important to be flexible when time and circumstances dictate. When parents are spontaneous in addressing challenges and opportunities that may suddenly appear, life is less stressful. Flexibility is essential for psychological health and for a happy family.

Positive parenting has nothing to do with being “perfect.” No one is perfect! Trying to be perfect—perfectionism—is a self-defeating behavior that dooms people to frustration, anxiety, depression, and hiding mistakes. They never feel good enough. No matter how hard they work, they are never satisfied.

Furthermore, perfectionism rigidifies behavior, making parents unable to respond adequately when flexibility is needed. Unfortunately, everyone around a perfectionist becomes self-critical and suffers from low self-esteem. And sadly, the pursuit of perfection seems to be increasing as media culture evolves. This puts even more families at risk. As people realize that perfectionism is not a good thing, and as they learn how to release its hold, negative interactions will decrease and positive interactions will increase.

Positive parenting information can support and guide you on the high road and give you tools, tips, and techniques to help you shape great kids. The many benefits of positive parenting include good feelings and good times on a daily basis, a sense of well-being, and life-long loving connections, extending even into future generations.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”

For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

A Shift in Focus Can Change Your Life

2008-03-11T07:05:00.005-12:00

“When people are so focused on what’s wrong with you, it’s hard to discover what’s right with you.” The frustrated teenager was fed up because his parents saw only half of the picture—his flaws and pimples, his shortcomings and problems. They totally missed “the good stuff”—his kindness, joy, cooperation, compassion, and strengths. The result of his parents’ “half-empty” perception was a child with low self-esteem, discouragement, and disconnection.

Most parenting books published in the last two generations have focused on finding problem behaviors and correcting them. Unfortunately, this negative approach has taken the focus off of the pleasures of parenting.

Why is this important to parents? Because a negative focus actually creates more unwanted traits and behaviors. A positive focus, on the other hand, actually creates more “good stuff.” You find what you look for. The subtle act of shifting your focus to “catch them being good” can make a huge difference because what you focus on increases. You will notice more and more “good stuff.” Then give your kids the attention/praise/encouragement for which they hunger (“atta boy,” “good job!”); such encouragement motivates them to repeat the positive behavior.
Furthermore, your children don’t want to disappoint you. They will, therefore, live up to your positive expectations or down to your negative ones. Expressing positive expectations can actually bring out the best in kids.

The rapidly growing field of “Positive Psychology” was designed by Professor Martin Seligman who, after devoting his entire life to his profession, had an epiphany. He realized that the traditional work of psychologists was “to make miserable people less miserable.” So he started to investigate the other half of psychology focused on building positive emotions, building strengths and virtues, and building positive institutions.

I had the same epiphany decades before while attending a graduate school class called “The Psychology of the Healthy Personality.” It was based on Abraham Maslow’s exploration of the “farther reaches of human nature.” Maslow’s research and philosophy morphed into the hopeful, emerging field of Positive Psychology, which is currently creating international excitement.

This exciting information dovetailed with and reinforced my newfound approach to mothering my three children. Later on, that optimistic philosophy became the basis of my two books, The Winning Family and On the Wings of Self-Esteem, and also my presentations.

Research tells us that happier people have finer qualities. They are more caring, more socially engaged, more successful, harder working, and healthier. They also have high self-esteem. Misery, on the other hand, makes people self-obsessed and inactive.

So happiness is indeed a worthwhile pursuit. And we know it starts in families when we meet the needs of our children, when we evaluate our children from a “half-full” perspective rather than a “half-empty one,” and when we try to build on their strengths rather than fix their flaws. Learning to care for ourselves as we care for others, learning to lift up rather than put down, and learning to let go of perfectionism boosts our self-esteem and helps us raise happier families.

Brain research shows that emotions are contagious. So the best way to have happy children is for moms and dads to learn how to increase their own joy and well-being.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is parent educator, author, grandmother, and a Community Psychologist.

Louise wrote two books packed with information about improving well-being, happiness and self-esteem. Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) praised On the Wings of Self-Esteem: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, can help parents change negative patterns and create more connection and caring.

Sign up for her free Hart to Heart Newsletter at http://www.drlouisehart.com. You'll also find information about Hart's books, workshops and teleclasses at her website.

Making the U.S. A Child-Friendly Place

2007-09-25T05:38:00.004-12:00

UNICEF recently released its report comparing the lives of children in 21 industrial nations around the world. It found that American and British youth are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, use drugs, fight and bully, and be sexually active than youngsters elsewhere.

The report assessed whether children feel loved, cherished, special and supported within the family and community, and whether the family and community are being supported in this task by public policy and resources. This global study measured 40 factors, such as poverty, deprivation, relationships with family and peers, happiness and risky behavior.

At the top of the list are the nations that take the best care of their children — the Netherlands and the Scandinavian countries. At the bottom of the list are the United States (20) and the United Kingdom (21).

Another recent study by the Lucile Packard Foundation for Children’s Health polled Bay Area parents and found that their greatest concern is the emotional health of their children. This finding is important because emotional health is the crux of a child’s well-being; it’s an indicator of the quality of life.

Emotionally healthy children lead happier lives. They are more confident and optimistic, less stressed and more joyful. Furthermore, they make healthier choices about their drug and alcohol use, sexual behavior, education and the future.

“If parents are worried about their children’s medical health, they go to a doctor,” says Childhood Matters radio talk show host Rona Renner. “If they’re worried about their children’s emotional health, they don’t know what to do.”

What parents can do: Plants need soil, water and sunshine. When those needs are not met, there are problems. Children also have basic needs that must be met on a daily basis. When they are not met, children cannot thrive.

To be physically healthy, children need nutritious food, sufficient sleep, shelter, exercise and safety. To be emotionally healthy, children need to know they are loved, cherished, respected, understood and supported. Simply filling those needs frequently solves the problems that keep children from thriving.

We live in stressful times. Fortunately, we can choose how to react or respond to tough situations. We are taught that “fight or flight” are the basic stress reactions, but these are not our only options. Studies have found women respond by "tending" and "befriending." When stressed, women tend to children and reach out to friends. Talking things over can release stress, introduce a different perspective and build connections. It also improves emotional well-being.

Figure out what your own coping skills are and observe those of your children. Make time for kids to talk through troubles. Give them your full attention. Listen to their words—and their feelings. When they finish reflect a feeling back to them: "You must be sad because ...." If you're right on, a smile may light up the face. When you really listen and reflect, you can amplify their joy, calm their fears, and soothe their anger. Doing this well brings a sense of attunement and profound joy.

Then you might ask the child what they could do to address the issues that trouble them. Help them explore possible options. Think through the consequences of each. Support them as they try to make good choices. You may hear a sigh of relief as the burden lifts and emotional well-being returns.

A lot of work needs to be done in the U.S. to get us off the bottom of the list and make our country a child-friendly one. That work needs to be done by all of us — in our homes, in our communities and in the government. “One of the key things is that the role of government is important,” said David Parker of UNICEF, “but the entire society must have at its heart the idea of improving child well-being.”

© Dr. Louise Hart is a parent educator, community psychologist, and author of The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. To learn more about her books, presentations, or teleclasses visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Teens as Canaries: A Wake-Up Call

2006-11-30T13:34:00.002-12:00

Dr. Louise Hart
Published as: What Our Children Really Need
Marin Independent Journal
August 8, 2006

Recent articles about “The Price of Privilege” in the San Francisco and Marin newspapers expose the deeply unhappy and disconnected kids with “bulging closets and empty lives”. Author, Madeline Levine, sounds an alarming wake-up call. In her new book, she brings to the forefront what people would prefer to not know about: that the obsession with the perfect facade, materialism and competition bring emptiness and disconnection, anxiety and pain.

This discussion needs to be framed in a larger context - beyond the distress of the affluent teens. It must include other less-well-off youngsters nationwide who are also being emotionally damaged and psychologically harmed. Are teens, perhaps, like canaries in the coal mines? This discussion must also include the dangers in the social landscape that put everyone at risk. It must acknowledge the numerous youngsters who are connected, resilient, and thriving. And finally we must talk about what we can do in our homes to prevent damage and harm in others.

Consider these facts about the social landscape:
• The average American kid spends over 44 hours per week with media and entertainment - compared to only 17 hours spent with parents.
• 53% of kids between ages 8-18 have no rules about TV use.
• 70% of the content once considered “R” rated now appears in PG-13 movies. (commonsensemedia.org)
• Each year videos become more graphic and gruesome. (Allen D. Kanner, Ph.D., Berkeley child and family psychologist, The National Psychologist, May/June 2006)

* The fastest growing area of advertising in the country today is marketing to kids. In 1990 around $100 million was spent; in 2000 it was over $2 billion. (The “Other Child Predators: Advertisers, by Tom Glaister, ConsumerAffairs.com 7/9/06)

• Over the last two decades there has been an explosion of marketing of junk food, alcohol, tobacco and sexually provocative clothing to children. (Allen D. Panner, Ph.D., Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood)

These are only a few of the social changes that are having an unprecedented impact on our lives and that of our children. There are many more, including global warming and unending war.

The all-American bottom line - money, greed, and looking out for number one - may bring affluence to some, but what is the cost to families? A woman in my workshop told me, “My father would buy me anything I wanted, but would never show me affection. I’ve spent my whole life feeling that he didn’t love me.”

Parents may spend 16 hours a day “providing” for kids, but be absent at dinner. They’re not fostering positive relationships. This spells trouble because human brains are designed to connect with one another, to be in relationship.

We need a new bottom line in which we value relationships more than money, where we live our lives as though family and relationships really matter.

All the material “stuff” in the world cannot fill paramount emotional and social needs -- attention, acceptance, unconditional love, trust, connection, safety.... And when needs are not met, there are problems.

It takes an on-going investment of effort and time to connect with a child’s heart, mind and spirit. When teens are connected to their families it protects them against every health risk behavior - from alcohol to drugs to pregnancy to depression to suicide. Positive parent-family relationships are essential to buffer kids against the dangers of society.

In the past parents had been expected to raise their children in accordance with dominant cultural messages. Today they are expected to do battle with the culture. At some point between Lamaze and kindergarten, parents wake up to the fact that one of their main jobs is to “counter the culture,” wrote columnist Ellen Goodman. What the media delivers to children by the masses, they must rebut one at a time. Parents find themselves struggling for the hearts and minds of their own children. (“Battling Our Culture Is Parents’ Task”, Ellen Goodman, Chicago Tribune, 8/18, 1993)

The easiest way to prevent problems in teenagers is to lay a solid foundation early on. But we cannot turn back the clock. The good news: it’s possible to shift from fear-based to love-based interactions. It’s never too late to create positive changes in a youngster’s life - and in our own. Classes and books can help move you in the right direction.

Developing respectful, trust-based relationships and re-connecting on a daily basis bonds families together. Teenagers need this as much as children of any age. Families can be an unfolding love story - a source of belonging, joy and satisfaction throughout life.

© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on. Visit http://www.drlouisehart.com for information on her workshops, books, and free newsletter.

Touch: The "Weather Report" Game

2006-11-28T09:50:00.002-12:00

Touch is vital to life. In order to survive, we need four hugs a day. For maintenance we need eight. And in order to grow, we - and our kids - need twelve hugs a day. (Virginia Satir) Children need to be caressed and cuddled as much as they need food and water. Hugs can comfort in tough times, and add joy to the good times. And the best thing: when you give one away, you get it right back!

What we learned about touch from our parents, probably affects us to this day. If they were physically affectionate, we were nourished and picked up healthy patterns. If they didn’t touch us (neglect), we learned either to crave physical contact or to close ourselves off to it. If their touch was painful and punishing (physical abuse) we probably learned to fear and avoid touch, and/or to punish and abuse others. If their touch was inappropriate and violated us (incest), they inflicted deep wounds that must be healed - and never repeated. What our mothers, fathers, and other caretakers did to us became the blueprint for how we interact with others.

Touch can be a sweet gift of love and pleasure, or it can be a cruel and damaging violation of another person. Without realizing it, without intending it, parents can cause touch disorders in their kids.

My maternal grandmother died delivering her fourth baby when my mother was only five. Theresa was the oldest of thirteen children growing up during hard times in Germany. There was little affection in her family and, throughout her life, she missed the affection and love of her own mother. Years later she asked, “How can I love when I was never loved?” Unfortunately, the pattern continued into my generation.

There was a lack of warmth in my family and sometimes harsh punishment that struck terror into my heart. I hated it and swore that I would never do that to my children. Later when I was a mother, I searched for and found better ways to deal with unacceptable behaviors.

For better or worse, we carry the remnants of family blueprints into our lives today. The patterns tend to repeat from one generation to the next - if we let them.

Here is the good news: Once we wake up to what we are doing and why we are doing it, we can choose to choose differently. Making the decision - “I’ll never do that to my kids...” - can stop the damaging pattern from repeating. As we try different approaches, we can move into love-based - instead of fear-based - interactions. Instead of wounding our children, we can heal ourselves.

Affection can enhance connection, reduce stress, and even decrease problem behaviors. One mother, for example, was upset about clashes with her nine year old daughter. Trying to mend the rift and reduce the tension between them, she made a concerted effort to do more touching. Over the next several months, she would pat her daughter on the shoulders and back, hug her more often, and hold her hand on walks. “As I increased the amount of physical contact,” she told me, “her acting out and resentment decreased.”

In New Zealand, several nurses worked with parents at risk of abusing their children; abusive touch had been the only touch they knew. Every week they gathered for a cup of tea, a lecture on child rearing, and to do this “WEATHER REPORT”. It’s fun. Find a body and try it.

The purpose of the exercise is to have fun. The rule for the exercise is: the person receiving the attention is in charge of the experience, and should give feedback. (“Stop that.” “More.” “Harder.” “Softer.”)

• Snowflakes - Tap your fingertips lightly on the other person’s head, shoulders, and back.
• Raindrops - Tap fingertips simultaneously and harder. (Remind the receiver to speak up if it doesn’t feel good.)
• Hail Stones - Same as raindrops, but with greater intensity. (Remember you are doing this to “inflict” pleasure, not pain.)
• Thunderclaps - With cupped palms, clap hands across the person’s back and shoulders. It makes a good noise. Do not slap.
• Lightning Bolts - The outside part of your hand moves back and forth across the shoulder muscles. Stay away from the bones.
• Eye of the Tornado - Circle thumbs across the person’s shoulders and down either side of the spine.
• Tidal Wave - Slide hands in long strokes up and down their arms and across the back.
• Calm After the Storm - Rest your hands on their shoulders and breathe deeply. Slowly lift your hands about one half inch, and pause.
• Turn around is fair play, so you both can have the experience. Then talk about it.

This is a sweet bedtime ritual for youngsters - good for connecting, relaxing, and dissolving the tensions of the day. Your kids will ask for it by name.

© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family:Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on. Visit http://www.drlouisehart.com for more information.

How to Boost Your Happiness

2006-11-28T09:49:00.005-12:00

You want to be happy. I want to be happy. Everyone wants to be happy. "Happiness,” according to Aristotle, “is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence." How is it, then, that the rates of depression in the U.S. are ten times higher than they were 50 years ago? Furthermore, how is it that the average age for the onset of depression is 14 as compared to 29 in 1960? Where have we gone wrong?

The revolutionary Positive Psychology movement has ushered in the Science of Happiness. New research helps clarify the concept. It is in our nature to pursue happiness and we can learn how to create it.

Sonja Lyubomirsky,* a psychology researcher, studied the behaviors and practices that make people happy. These are her eight “Happiness Boosters”:
1. Count your blessings. Write down what you are grateful for every day.
2. Practice acts of kindness. This makes you feel generous and capable, gives you a greater sense of connection with others, and garners approval and reciprocated kindess.
3. Savor life’s joys. Notice the wonder, delight, and simple pleasures of life.
4. Express gratitude and appreciation often.
5. Learn to forgive. Let go of anger toward others. Practicing forgiveness frees you and allows you to move on.
6. Invest time and energy in family and friends. Close relationships seem to be the most important factor in a satisfying life.
7. Take care of your body on a regular basis. Get enough sleep and exercise. Stretch your body. Laughter can lift your mood and make your days more satisfying.
8. Develop strategies for coping with stress and hardships. Find beliefs and other resources that help you get through the tough times.

In his book Authentic Happiness, Dr. Martin Seligman discusses the Three Roads to a Happy, Satisfied Life:
• Pleasure
• Engagement—depth of involvement
• Meaning—using personal strengths to serve a larger end.

Although many Americans build their lives around the pursuit of pleasure, it is actually the least consequential of Seligman’s three roads. The other two—engagement and meaning—are much more important for happiness.

How you define the word “happiness” is crucial. When the word “happy” is defined too broadly it can be a set-up for misery. For example, “happily ever after” is a myth. When it is too narrowly defined it will also lead to misery. For example, “I’ll be happy if he buys me diamond earrings for my birthday.” When your definition is “just right,” you can find happiness everyday and everywhere, in the wonder, delight, and simple pleasures of life. They’re there. Don’t miss them! Then savor the good feelings.

Charlie Brown had it all figured out. Here’s his wisdom from the finale of “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown”:
• Happiness is learning to whistle.
• Happiness is walking hand in hand.
• Happiness is climbing a tree.
• Happiness is having a sister and getting along.
• Happiness is anyone and anything at all that’s loved by you.

These three diverse authorities point to what’s most important: close relationships with caring people, and knowing how to get along. This is what is known as Social Intelligence. Lucky kids learn these skills early on in their families. The rest of us—myself included—learn from our mistakes, from other people’s mistakes, and from reading books and taking classes.

The problem is that many of us were taught the wrong things! Like having to be perfect. Like always looking for faults and weaknesses—and missing the good stuff. Like having to win—often at the expense of others. Like comparing ourselves with everyone else. Like disrespecting ourselves and other people. As a result, we suffer from low self-esteem and unhappiness.

Without knowing it, we have all downloaded bad information. But now we are smarter. We can examine the “glitches” and “bugs” in our “programming” and make necessary corrections. Learning new ideas and new skills can help us be happier. As we grow, our self-esteem and relationships will improve, and we’ll notice that we are smiling more often.

Happiness includes contentment, satisfaction, well-being, joy, pleasure, gratitude, and appreciation. The secrets to lasting fulfillment, according to the book Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, are: 1) goals that bring us meaning and direction in life, and 2) playing and having fun on a daily basis. By following these prescriptions and guidelines, we can create happiness ever after—one day at a time.

{* Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, at the University of California at Riverside, in the Time Magazine cover story article titled, The New Science of Happiness, January 17, 2005.}

____________________
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”

For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Wonder Words to Brighten Your Kids' Day

2006-11-28T09:48:00.005-12:00

"No act of kindness is ever wasted, no matter how small."

Wow! • Way to go • Super • You're special • Outstanding • Excellent • Great • Good for you • Well done • Remarkable • I knew you could do it • I'm proud of you • Fantastic • Super star • Nice work • Looking good • You're on top of it • Beautiful • Now you're flying • You're catching on • Now you've got It • You're incredible • Bravo • Hurray for you • You're on target • You're smart • Good job • Hot dog • Dynamite • You're beautiful • You're unique • Nothing can stop you now • Much Better • I Like You • I Like What You Do • I'm impressed • You’re clever • You're a winner • Spectacular • You're precious • You're terrific • Atta boy • Atta girl • Congratulations • You figured it out • Hip, hip, hurray! • I appreciate your help • You're getting better • Yeah! • Magnificent • Marvelous • Terrific • You're important • You're sensational • Super work • You're very creative • You are fun • I like the way you listen • I like how you're growing • I enjoy you • You tried hard • You are so thoughtful • I trust you • You're important • You mean a lot to me • That's correct • You're a joy • You're a treasure • You are wonderful • Awesome • You did your best • You made my day • I'm glad you're my kid • Thanks for being you • I love you!

(These words work best when said with sincerity, eye contact, a pat on the back, and / or a warm hug.)

© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on. Visit her website: http://www.drlouisehart.com for more information on her books, workshops, and free newsletter.

[Adapted from "The Winning Family".}