Sometimes Parents Say Dumb Things: Ideas for Damage Control

Parents sometimes say dumb things without even thinking about it. "You're gonna fall down" (yet wanting the kid to not fall from the tree), or "Your teeth will rot and fall out" (trying to get her to brush her teeth), or "You're gonna get sick" (to a boy who doesn't put on his sweatshirt). Instead of telling children what they do want, the parents focus on what they don't want and instill fear and negativity.

I said a dumb thing at a picnic in the mountains with my children. After we ate, my twelve-year-old son asked, "Mom, can I climb that mountain"? I looked at the mountain and looked at him and said, "Okay." A little later, my seven-year-old son asked the same question, "Can I climb the mountain?" Thoughtlessly I replied, "No Felix, you're too clumsy." When I heard what I had said, I wished I could eat my words. At the time, I didn't know how to "fix" it.

Back home, he became a walking disaster. He began to drop, spill, bump into, and fall over everything. Every time he went to pour milk, it was all over the counter. He was probably saying to himself, "That all-important, all-knowing person who is my mother thinks that I am clumsy. So I must be clumsy." Without realizing it, I had created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Feeling guilty about and responsible for this problem, I tried hard to not make matters worse. Whenever there was a mess, I calmly encouraged him to clean it up. After two long weeks, he returned to his normal, not-so-clumsy self.

Many parents at my workshops admit that they also have said dumb things—and wish they hadn't. Without intending to, without meaning to, thoughtless words can do lots of damage and cause lots of pain.

There are two huge problems to consider: First of all, when children are little, they believe you! They think that you say what you mean and mean what you say. Hurtful words, therefore, can cut deeply. Second, they take it personally! They can internalize your criticism and repeat it to themselves over and over, maybe for the rest of heir live. So it goes on after you go off!

I spent a lot of time "replaying" the incident, trying to figure out how I might do it differently if it should ever happen again. One thing I might have said was, "That was a clumsy thing for me to say. I'm sorry!" Then I could have given him a hug and called his brother to wait up and take him along. Or I could have gone up the mountain with him. Doing those things might have "undone" the careless words and reversed the damage.

I learned many lessons from this mistake:

• Never label children. It hurts them. They tend to believe it, and then become it. Also, labels ("Stupid") can become much larger than we intend and have far-reaching impact.

• Don't start sentences with "You". If instead of saying, "You're clumsy," I had said, "I don't think it's a good idea", there would not have been a problem. I-statements don't get us into as much trouble as You-statements do.

I had other important insights:

• Words have more power than we imagine.

• Sometimes the tongue works faster than the brain.

• At times we have to bite out tongue so that it doesn't get us into trouble.

Now I think first before I talk, and am very care-ful about what comes out of my mouth. So I have to worry less about damage control.

Scar tissue on the tip of the tongue is like a badge of honor. It means that you care enough to stop, cool off, and not inflict wounds. It is a sign that you care deeply about your child.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.

For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.