A Shift in Focus Can Change Your Life

“When people are so focused on what’s wrong with you, it’s hard to discover what’s right with you.” The frustrated teenager was fed up because his parents saw only half of the picture—his flaws and pimples, his shortcomings and problems. They totally missed “the good stuff”—his kindness, joy, cooperation, compassion, and strengths. The result of his parents’ “half-empty” perception was a child with low self-esteem, discouragement, and disconnection.

Most parenting books published in the last two generations have focused on finding problem behaviors and correcting them. Unfortunately, this negative approach has taken the focus off of the pleasures of parenting.

Why is this important to parents? Because a negative focus actually creates more unwanted traits and behaviors. A positive focus, on the other hand, actually creates more “good stuff.” You find what you look for. The subtle act of shifting your focus to “catch them being good” can make a huge difference because what you focus on increases. You will notice more and more “good stuff.” Then give your kids the attention/praise/encouragement for which they hunger (“atta boy,” “good job!”); such encouragement motivates them to repeat the positive behavior.
Furthermore, your children don’t want to disappoint you. They will, therefore, live up to your positive expectations or down to your negative ones. Expressing positive expectations can actually bring out the best in kids.

The rapidly growing field of “Positive Psychology” was designed by Professor Martin Seligman who, after devoting his entire life to his profession, had an epiphany. He realized that the traditional work of psychologists was “to make miserable people less miserable.” So he started to investigate the other half of psychology focused on building positive emotions, building strengths and virtues, and building positive institutions.

I had the same epiphany decades before while attending a graduate school class called “The Psychology of the Healthy Personality.” It was based on Abraham Maslow’s exploration of the “farther reaches of human nature.” Maslow’s research and philosophy morphed into the hopeful, emerging field of Positive Psychology, which is currently creating international excitement.

This exciting information dovetailed with and reinforced my newfound approach to mothering my three children. Later on, that optimistic philosophy became the basis of my two books, The Winning Family and On the Wings of Self-Esteem, and also my presentations.

Research tells us that happier people have finer qualities. They are more caring, more socially engaged, more successful, harder working, and healthier. They also have high self-esteem. Misery, on the other hand, makes people self-obsessed and inactive.

So happiness is indeed a worthwhile pursuit. And we know it starts in families when we meet the needs of our children, when we evaluate our children from a “half-full” perspective rather than a “half-empty one,” and when we try to build on their strengths rather than fix their flaws. Learning to care for ourselves as we care for others, learning to lift up rather than put down, and learning to let go of perfectionism boosts our self-esteem and helps us raise happier families.

Brain research shows that emotions are contagious. So the best way to have happy children is for moms and dads to learn how to increase their own joy and well-being.


© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is parent educator, author, grandmother, and a Community Psychologist.

Louise wrote two books packed with information about improving well-being, happiness and self-esteem. Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) praised On the Wings of Self-Esteem: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, can help parents change negative patterns and create more connection and caring.

Sign up for her free Hart to Heart Newsletter at http://www.drlouisehart.com. You'll also find information about Hart's books, workshops and teleclasses at her website.

How to Boost Your Happiness

You want to be happy. I want to be happy. Everyone wants to be happy. "Happiness,” according to Aristotle, “is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence." How is it, then, that the rates of depression in the U.S. are ten times higher than they were 50 years ago? Furthermore, how is it that the average age for the onset of depression is 14 as compared to 29 in 1960? Where have we gone wrong?

The revolutionary Positive Psychology movement has ushered in the Science of Happiness. New research helps clarify the concept. It is in our nature to pursue happiness and we can learn how to create it.

Sonja Lyubomirsky,* a psychology researcher, studied the behaviors and practices that make people happy. These are her eight “Happiness Boosters”:
1. Count your blessings. Write down what you are grateful for every day.
2. Practice acts of kindness. This makes you feel generous and capable, gives you a greater sense of connection with others, and garners approval and reciprocated kindess.
3. Savor life’s joys. Notice the wonder, delight, and simple pleasures of life.
4. Express gratitude and appreciation often.
5. Learn to forgive. Let go of anger toward others. Practicing forgiveness frees you and allows you to move on.
6. Invest time and energy in family and friends. Close relationships seem to be the most important factor in a satisfying life.
7. Take care of your body on a regular basis. Get enough sleep and exercise. Stretch your body. Laughter can lift your mood and make your days more satisfying.
8. Develop strategies for coping with stress and hardships. Find beliefs and other resources that help you get through the tough times.

In his book Authentic Happiness, Dr. Martin Seligman discusses the Three Roads to a Happy, Satisfied Life:
• Pleasure
• Engagement—depth of involvement
• Meaning—using personal strengths to serve a larger end.

Although many Americans build their lives around the pursuit of pleasure, it is actually the least consequential of Seligman’s three roads. The other two—engagement and meaning—are much more important for happiness.

How you define the word “happiness” is crucial. When the word “happy” is defined too broadly it can be a set-up for misery. For example, “happily ever after” is a myth. When it is too narrowly defined it will also lead to misery. For example, “I’ll be happy if he buys me diamond earrings for my birthday.” When your definition is “just right,” you can find happiness everyday and everywhere, in the wonder, delight, and simple pleasures of life. They’re there. Don’t miss them! Then savor the good feelings.

Charlie Brown had it all figured out. Here’s his wisdom from the finale of “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown”:
• Happiness is learning to whistle.
• Happiness is walking hand in hand.
• Happiness is climbing a tree.
• Happiness is having a sister and getting along.
• Happiness is anyone and anything at all that’s loved by you.

These three diverse authorities point to what’s most important: close relationships with caring people, and knowing how to get along. This is what is known as Social Intelligence. Lucky kids learn these skills early on in their families. The rest of us—myself included—learn from our mistakes, from other people’s mistakes, and from reading books and taking classes.

The problem is that many of us were taught the wrong things! Like having to be perfect. Like always looking for faults and weaknesses—and missing the good stuff. Like having to win—often at the expense of others. Like comparing ourselves with everyone else. Like disrespecting ourselves and other people. As a result, we suffer from low self-esteem and unhappiness.

Without knowing it, we have all downloaded bad information. But now we are smarter. We can examine the “glitches” and “bugs” in our “programming” and make necessary corrections. Learning new ideas and new skills can help us be happier. As we grow, our self-esteem and relationships will improve, and we’ll notice that we are smiling more often.

Happiness includes contentment, satisfaction, well-being, joy, pleasure, gratitude, and appreciation. The secrets to lasting fulfillment, according to the book Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, are: 1) goals that bring us meaning and direction in life, and 2) playing and having fun on a daily basis. By following these prescriptions and guidelines, we can create happiness ever after—one day at a time.

{* Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, at the University of California at Riverside, in the Time Magazine cover story article titled, The New Science of Happiness, January 17, 2005.}

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© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”

For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.