Twelve Tips for a Happier Family

It is in our nature to pursue happiness; why, then, is misery so common? How is it that the rates of depression in the U.S. are ten times higher than they were 50 years ago? And how is it that the average age for the onset of depression is 14, as compared to 29 in the 1960s? Where have we gone wrong?

Fortunately, there is good news: The Positive Psychology movement has ushered in the new Science of Happiness. We now know that happiness can be learned. In this article you will find proven tools and simple strategies for improving the quality of your life. An uplifting approach, new skills, and different choices can make a world of difference in your life. When you make positive choices, you begin an upward spiral. Things will just keep getting better and better.

Here are Twelve “Happiness Boosters”:

1. Close relationships. The most important factor in a satisfying life is having close relationships. Brain research tells us that humans are “hardwired for connection.” As we improve our ability to get along with others, family life gets better and better.

2. A sense of purpose. In order to be happy, we need to have a sense of direction, a sense of purpose. Children give our lives new meaning and a profound sense of purpose. All the things we do for them on a daily basis—feed, clothe, and comfort them, and teach and support them—are part of our mission to be good parents.

3. Nurture positive emotion. When we are enjoying positive feelings, we are creative, expansive, and tolerant. When we are in a good mood we are more likable, and our connections are likely to improve. This is also true for our children and our partners. It’s worth the effort to put more positive emotion into their lives and our own.

4. Positive expectations. When adults have negative expectations of children, they project those expectation onto their kids. Kids “read” that. They don’t want to disappoint you, so they are likely to do what you really don’t want them to do. Children live up to—or down to—your expectations. Expecting good things of them will inspire the positive behaviors you want.

5. Improve your listening skills. Think back to a time when you had something important to say and you were not listened to. What happened inside of you? Now remember a time when the person really listened, hanging on to your every word. You felt important, loved, worthwhile. Good listening is a gift—to both the speaker and the listener. It is an opportunity to be in tune with another person, to experience his or her inner world, to have empathy, and to be connected. This skill is crucial for connecting with others and for being happy.

6. Keep feelings moving. To be healthy and happy we need to know how to deal with a full range of feelings. “Healthy kids emote all the time; they roar and cry and yell and giggle and keep their emotions in motion, moving through them.” (The Winning Family, Louise Hart) All emotions are okay. You can help your children move through their emotions by letting them express those emotions. Then you can help them put a name to each emotion. When kids can “talk it out” they don’t have to “act it out.” They don’t have to hold their feelings inside. Becoming comfortable with all of your own feelings can help you re-parent yourself as you parent your child.

7. Let go of perfectionism. “Perfectionism is the world’s greatest con game. It’s a concept that doesn’t fit reality.” (On the Wings of Self-Esteem, Louise Hart) My favorite definition of a perfectionist is: someone who takes great pains and gives them to others! Humans are not perfect. Kids drop, spill, and forget things, and so do we. When we expect “perfect” we end up being frustrated, disappointed, and angry—very unhappy. Decide right now to stop pretending to be perfect. Laugh at bloopers. Resolve to learn how to let go of perfectionism.

8. Play more. Be silly. Have more fun. When we play, important things are happening beneath the surface. The thrill of being alive pervades our bodies. If you have forgotten how to play, your children can help you remember. My children helped me remember some wonderful old games like hide-and-seek and squirt-gun fights. They even encouraged me to try new games like hacky-sack and skateboarding. Through our children we can see the world with fresh eyes. With them we can cut loose from stuffy adultness, be totally foolish, and get away with being unforgivably silly! We can reclaim forgotten parts of ourselves and rediscover the finer points of childhood. Families—and life—are supposed to be fun!

9. Appreciation and Gratitude. Moms work hard. Dads work hard. Yet research has found that they mostly don’t feel appreciated. When we don’t feel appreciated, we may feel resentful. We may grumble about how hard we work and how ungrateful everyone is. The good news: Appreciation is easy to give and it can improve the emotional climate in your home. Here’s a homework assignment for you: Make a Gratitude List. Think of five or ten things you are grateful for every day. Do it with your family. Talk about this at dinner or when you’re putting your kids to bed. Focusing on gratitude will make you happier.

10. Simplify, simplify, simplify. We Americans are trying to fit more and more things into less and less time. And it doesn’t work. Too much stuff and too many activities stress and overwhelm us. As the emphasis on material possessions increases, so do the levels of depression. Too much stuff burdens us and distracts us from what really brings us happiness: a sense of purpose and meaning, and playing and having fun on a daily basis.

11. Adjust your focus. Do you see the glass as half-empty or half-full? Do you first see the low grades or the high grades on the report card? Are you a fault-finder or a strength-builder? I remember visiting my mother when I was pregnant with my first child. I wore a dress that I made myself. My peers thought I had done a wonderful job and had told me so, so I was eager to show it off to my mom. I knocked on the door. When she opened it, she looked me over from top to bottom and said, “You have a spot on your dress.” Sadly, she missed the beauty of the garment and my excitement and triumph in creating it. Her focus on finding fault hurt me deeply and disconnected us even further. If she had had a positive focus she could have seen the beauty of the dress and my excitement; it would have been a sweet moment that brought us closer. (She might have mentioned the spot later and helped me remove it. This would have felt like a favor, not an attack.)

12. Emotions are contagious. Little children who are loved and cared for have a natural joy; when you’re in tune with them, their joy can be infectious. Older children, even ten-year-olds, can be taught the skills of optimistic and hopeful thinking and action. In The Optimistic Child, Martin Seligman reports that when children learn to be optimistic and hopeful, their rates of depression are cut in half during puberty. Adults can also learn to be optimistic—if they really want to learn.

As you apply these tips you will notice an increase in your own positive feelings—and those of your family members. Begin now and keep at it. Little changes can make a big difference.

Making your kids happy makes you happy. And when you are happy and smiling more, your kids will be happier and laughing more. These choices—these changes—can begin an upward spiral towards having a happier family.


© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, and non-guilt provoking!”

For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Shaping Great Kids With Positive Parenting

According to a Canadian survey, nearly 30% of infants and young children have an identifiable emotional, social, or intellectual problem that could have been prevented through positive parenting.

Positive parenting involves all aspects of healthy child development. Based on decades of research, it enhances the physical, social, and mental health of children by addressing major skill areas that inform future well-being. Parents who use this approach have children who are healthier and happier, as well as more cooperative, connected, and confident.

The relationship between emotional experiences as children, and physical and mental health as adults, is powerful and life-long. Childhood traumas give birth to high-risk behaviors, disorders, diseases, and unspeakable pain and suffering. Unfortunately, there’s a tendency to do to our children what was done to us—repeat the “bad stuff”—because that’s how we learned to parent. As a result, parents find themselves caught in a downward spiral.

Here’s the good news: Raising children gives parents the opportunity to take the high road. They can heal themselves by choosing to not repeat the “bad stuff” and choosing instead to change negative intergenerational family patterns. This heroic work requires that parents be aware of and learn to manage their emotions and behaviors. It also requires parents to be responsive to the needs of their children. Empathy—putting yourself in your child’s shoes and recalling what childhood was like for you—can become your motivation to change intergenerational patterns. Treating children with respect and tuning in to their thoughts and feelings can make a huge difference.

It started for me when I was very young. As a childhood victim of anger and abuse, I swore that I would never subject my children to the same treatment. Many other parents have made the same vow, resolving not to repeat harmful actions that caused them fear, anger, and suffering. They consciously explore ways to be not reactive, but pro-active in raising healthy kids. Starting with those good intentions, they learn to improve communication and other skills. This allows them to move into an upward spiral.

Positive parents learn to focus on the “good stuff”—respect, warmth, nurturance, empathy, and win-win attitudes. They discover that when they focus on the behaviors they want from their children, those behaviors increase. At the same time, the behaviors that they don’t want fall away and disappear. It’s the Law of Attraction: What you focus on expands.

There are lots of ways of looking at things. When parents change their thoughts and beliefs, they can actually change their worlds and their children’s worlds. When you change your mind, you change your life.

Invest in Kids/Canada has created three main “How To’s” for positive parenting: Comfort, Play & Teach™. Tried and true, each is a simple way of relating more positively to children:

• Comfort. Love/comfort is the primary necessity of babies and children. There are many shades of comfort/love: caring, nurturing, touch, affection, understanding, compassion, and warmth. When you comfort your children, meet their needs, and show respect and empathy, they feel secure, valued, and content.

• Play. The “work” of children is play, and moms and dads are their favorite playmates. This enriching activity has far-reaching benefits—fun, silliness, spontaneity, creativity, connection, and more. Important things happen beneath the surface when children play.

• Teach. Parents help their children learn about life by teaching. Talking about and commenting on situations helps kids solve problems, understand new things, and make sense of the world.

I would add to the list:
• Flex and Yield. Structure and routine are very important, but rigidity can lead to unwanted struggles. It’s important to be flexible when time and circumstances dictate. When parents are spontaneous in addressing challenges and opportunities that may suddenly appear, life is less stressful. Flexibility is essential for psychological health and for a happy family.

Positive parenting has nothing to do with being “perfect.” No one is perfect! Trying to be perfect—perfectionism—is a self-defeating behavior that dooms people to frustration, anxiety, depression, and hiding mistakes. They never feel good enough. No matter how hard they work, they are never satisfied.

Furthermore, perfectionism rigidifies behavior, making parents unable to respond adequately when flexibility is needed. Unfortunately, everyone around a perfectionist becomes self-critical and suffers from low self-esteem. And sadly, the pursuit of perfection seems to be increasing as media culture evolves. This puts even more families at risk. As people realize that perfectionism is not a good thing, and as they learn how to release its hold, negative interactions will decrease and positive interactions will increase.

Positive parenting information can support and guide you on the high road and give you tools, tips, and techniques to help you shape great kids. The many benefits of positive parenting include good feelings and good times on a daily basis, a sense of well-being, and life-long loving connections, extending even into future generations.


© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”

For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

A Shift in Focus Can Change Your Life

“When people are so focused on what’s wrong with you, it’s hard to discover what’s right with you.” The frustrated teenager was fed up because his parents saw only half of the picture—his flaws and pimples, his shortcomings and problems. They totally missed “the good stuff”—his kindness, joy, cooperation, compassion, and strengths. The result of his parents’ “half-empty” perception was a child with low self-esteem, discouragement, and disconnection.

Most parenting books published in the last two generations have focused on finding problem behaviors and correcting them. Unfortunately, this negative approach has taken the focus off of the pleasures of parenting.

Why is this important to parents? Because a negative focus actually creates more unwanted traits and behaviors. A positive focus, on the other hand, actually creates more “good stuff.” You find what you look for. The subtle act of shifting your focus to “catch them being good” can make a huge difference because what you focus on increases. You will notice more and more “good stuff.” Then give your kids the attention/praise/encouragement for which they hunger (“atta boy,” “good job!”); such encouragement motivates them to repeat the positive behavior.
Furthermore, your children don’t want to disappoint you. They will, therefore, live up to your positive expectations or down to your negative ones. Expressing positive expectations can actually bring out the best in kids.

The rapidly growing field of “Positive Psychology” was designed by Professor Martin Seligman who, after devoting his entire life to his profession, had an epiphany. He realized that the traditional work of psychologists was “to make miserable people less miserable.” So he started to investigate the other half of psychology focused on building positive emotions, building strengths and virtues, and building positive institutions.

I had the same epiphany decades before while attending a graduate school class called “The Psychology of the Healthy Personality.” It was based on Abraham Maslow’s exploration of the “farther reaches of human nature.” Maslow’s research and philosophy morphed into the hopeful, emerging field of Positive Psychology, which is currently creating international excitement.

This exciting information dovetailed with and reinforced my newfound approach to mothering my three children. Later on, that optimistic philosophy became the basis of my two books, The Winning Family and On the Wings of Self-Esteem, and also my presentations.

Research tells us that happier people have finer qualities. They are more caring, more socially engaged, more successful, harder working, and healthier. They also have high self-esteem. Misery, on the other hand, makes people self-obsessed and inactive.

So happiness is indeed a worthwhile pursuit. And we know it starts in families when we meet the needs of our children, when we evaluate our children from a “half-full” perspective rather than a “half-empty one,” and when we try to build on their strengths rather than fix their flaws. Learning to care for ourselves as we care for others, learning to lift up rather than put down, and learning to let go of perfectionism boosts our self-esteem and helps us raise happier families.

Brain research shows that emotions are contagious. So the best way to have happy children is for moms and dads to learn how to increase their own joy and well-being.


© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is parent educator, author, grandmother, and a Community Psychologist.

Louise wrote two books packed with information about improving well-being, happiness and self-esteem. Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) praised On the Wings of Self-Esteem: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, can help parents change negative patterns and create more connection and caring.

Sign up for her free Hart to Heart Newsletter at http://www.drlouisehart.com. You'll also find information about Hart's books, workshops and teleclasses at her website.