Teens as Canaries: A Wake-Up Call

Dr. Louise Hart
Published as: What Our Children Really Need
Marin Independent Journal
August 8, 2006

Recent articles about “The Price of Privilege” in the San Francisco and Marin newspapers expose the deeply unhappy and disconnected kids with “bulging closets and empty lives”. Author, Madeline Levine, sounds an alarming wake-up call. In her new book, she brings to the forefront what people would prefer to not know about: that the obsession with the perfect facade, materialism and competition bring emptiness and disconnection, anxiety and pain.

This discussion needs to be framed in a larger context - beyond the distress of the affluent teens. It must include other less-well-off youngsters nationwide who are also being emotionally damaged and psychologically harmed. Are teens, perhaps, like canaries in the coal mines? This discussion must also include the dangers in the social landscape that put everyone at risk. It must acknowledge the numerous youngsters who are connected, resilient, and thriving. And finally we must talk about what we can do in our homes to prevent damage and harm in others.

Consider these facts about the social landscape:
• The average American kid spends over 44 hours per week with media and entertainment - compared to only 17 hours spent with parents.
• 53% of kids between ages 8-18 have no rules about TV use.
• 70% of the content once considered “R” rated now appears in PG-13 movies. (commonsensemedia.org)
• Each year videos become more graphic and gruesome. (Allen D. Kanner, Ph.D., Berkeley child and family psychologist, The National Psychologist, May/June 2006)

* The fastest growing area of advertising in the country today is marketing to kids. In 1990 around $100 million was spent; in 2000 it was over $2 billion. (The “Other Child Predators: Advertisers, by Tom Glaister, ConsumerAffairs.com 7/9/06)

• Over the last two decades there has been an explosion of marketing of junk food, alcohol, tobacco and sexually provocative clothing to children. (Allen D. Panner, Ph.D., Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood)

These are only a few of the social changes that are having an unprecedented impact on our lives and that of our children. There are many more, including global warming and unending war.

The all-American bottom line - money, greed, and looking out for number one - may bring affluence to some, but what is the cost to families? A woman in my workshop told me, “My father would buy me anything I wanted, but would never show me affection. I’ve spent my whole life feeling that he didn’t love me.”

Parents may spend 16 hours a day “providing” for kids, but be absent at dinner. They’re not fostering positive relationships. This spells trouble because human brains are designed to connect with one another, to be in relationship.

We need a new bottom line in which we value relationships more than money, where we live our lives as though family and relationships really matter.

All the material “stuff” in the world cannot fill paramount emotional and social needs -- attention, acceptance, unconditional love, trust, connection, safety.... And when needs are not met, there are problems.

It takes an on-going investment of effort and time to connect with a child’s heart, mind and spirit. When teens are connected to their families it protects them against every health risk behavior - from alcohol to drugs to pregnancy to depression to suicide. Positive parent-family relationships are essential to buffer kids against the dangers of society.

In the past parents had been expected to raise their children in accordance with dominant cultural messages. Today they are expected to do battle with the culture. At some point between Lamaze and kindergarten, parents wake up to the fact that one of their main jobs is to “counter the culture,” wrote columnist Ellen Goodman. What the media delivers to children by the masses, they must rebut one at a time. Parents find themselves struggling for the hearts and minds of their own children. (“Battling Our Culture Is Parents’ Task”, Ellen Goodman, Chicago Tribune, 8/18, 1993)

The easiest way to prevent problems in teenagers is to lay a solid foundation early on. But we cannot turn back the clock. The good news: it’s possible to shift from fear-based to love-based interactions. It’s never too late to create positive changes in a youngster’s life - and in our own. Classes and books can help move you in the right direction.

Developing respectful, trust-based relationships and re-connecting on a daily basis bonds families together. Teenagers need this as much as children of any age. Families can be an unfolding love story - a source of belonging, joy and satisfaction throughout life.


© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family:  Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on.  Visit http://www.drlouisehart.com for information on her workshops, books, and free newsletter.