Touch: The "Weather Report" Game

Touch is vital to life. In order to survive, we need four hugs a day. For maintenance we need eight. And in order to grow, we - and our kids - need twelve hugs a day. (Virginia Satir) Children need to be caressed and cuddled as much as they need food and water. Hugs can comfort in tough times, and add joy to the good times. And the best thing: when you give one away, you get it right back!

What we learned about touch from our parents, probably affects us to this day. If they were physically affectionate, we were nourished and picked up healthy patterns. If they didn’t touch us (neglect), we learned either to crave physical contact or to close ourselves off to it. If their touch was painful and punishing (physical abuse) we probably learned to fear and avoid touch, and/or to punish and abuse others. If their touch was inappropriate and violated us (incest), they inflicted deep wounds that must be healed - and never repeated. What our mothers, fathers, and other caretakers did to us became the blueprint for how we interact with others.

Touch can be a sweet gift of love and pleasure, or it can be a cruel and damaging violation of another person. Without realizing it, without intending it, parents can cause touch disorders in their kids.

My maternal grandmother died delivering her fourth baby when my mother was only five. Theresa was the oldest of thirteen children growing up during hard times in Germany. There was little affection in her family and, throughout her life, she missed the affection and love of her own mother. Years later she asked, “How can I love when I was never loved?” Unfortunately, the pattern continued into my generation.

There was a lack of warmth in my family and sometimes harsh punishment that struck terror into my heart. I hated it and swore that I would never do that to my children. Later when I was a mother, I searched for and found better ways to deal with unacceptable behaviors.

For better or worse, we carry the remnants of family blueprints into our lives today. The patterns tend to repeat from one generation to the next - if we let them.

Here is the good news: Once we wake up to what we are doing and why we are doing it, we can choose to choose differently. Making the decision - “I’ll never do that to my kids...” - can stop the damaging pattern from repeating. As we try different approaches, we can move into love-based - instead of fear-based - interactions. Instead of wounding our children, we can heal ourselves.

Affection can enhance connection, reduce stress, and even decrease problem behaviors. One mother, for example, was upset about clashes with her nine year old daughter. Trying to mend the rift and reduce the tension between them, she made a concerted effort to do more touching. Over the next several months, she would pat her daughter on the shoulders and back, hug her more often, and hold her hand on walks. “As I increased the amount of physical contact,” she told me, “her acting out and resentment decreased.”

In New Zealand, several nurses worked with parents at risk of abusing their children; abusive touch had been the only touch they knew. Every week they gathered for a cup of tea, a lecture on child rearing, and to do this “WEATHER REPORT”. It’s fun. Find a body and try it.

The purpose of the exercise is to have fun. The rule for the exercise is: the person receiving the attention is in charge of the experience, and should give feedback. (“Stop that.” “More.” “Harder.” “Softer.”)

• Snowflakes - Tap your fingertips lightly on the other person’s head, shoulders, and back.
• Raindrops - Tap fingertips simultaneously and harder. (Remind the receiver to speak up if it doesn’t feel good.)
• Hail Stones - Same as raindrops, but with greater intensity. (Remember you are doing this to “inflict” pleasure, not pain.)
• Thunderclaps - With cupped palms, clap hands across the person’s back and shoulders. It makes a good noise. Do not slap.
• Lightning Bolts - The outside part of your hand moves back and forth across the shoulder muscles. Stay away from the bones.
• Eye of the Tornado - Circle thumbs across the person’s shoulders and down either side of the spine.
• Tidal Wave - Slide hands in long strokes up and down their arms and across the back.
• Calm After the Storm - Rest your hands on their shoulders and breathe deeply. Slowly lift your hands about one half inch, and pause.
• Turn around is fair play, so you both can have the experience. Then talk about it.

This is a sweet bedtime ritual for youngsters - good for connecting, relaxing, and dissolving the tensions of the day. Your kids will ask for it by name.

© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family:Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on. Visit http://www.drlouisehart.com for more information.