A Shift in Focus Can Change Your Life

“When people are so focused on what’s wrong with you, it’s hard to discover what’s right with you.” The frustrated teenager was fed up because his parents saw only half of the picture—his flaws and pimples, his shortcomings and problems. They totally missed “the good stuff”—his kindness, joy, cooperation, compassion, and strengths. The result of his parents’ “half-empty” perception was a child with low self-esteem, discouragement, and disconnection.

Most parenting books published in the last two generations have focused on finding problem behaviors and correcting them. Unfortunately, this negative approach has taken the focus off of the pleasures of parenting.

Why is this important to parents? Because a negative focus actually creates more unwanted traits and behaviors. A positive focus, on the other hand, actually creates more “good stuff.” You find what you look for. The subtle act of shifting your focus to “catch them being good” can make a huge difference because what you focus on increases. You will notice more and more “good stuff.” Then give your kids the attention/praise/encouragement for which they hunger (“atta boy,” “good job!”); such encouragement motivates them to repeat the positive behavior.
Furthermore, your children don’t want to disappoint you. They will, therefore, live up to your positive expectations or down to your negative ones. Expressing positive expectations can actually bring out the best in kids.

The rapidly growing field of “Positive Psychology” was designed by Professor Martin Seligman who, after devoting his entire life to his profession, had an epiphany. He realized that the traditional work of psychologists was “to make miserable people less miserable.” So he started to investigate the other half of psychology focused on building positive emotions, building strengths and virtues, and building positive institutions.

I had the same epiphany decades before while attending a graduate school class called “The Psychology of the Healthy Personality.” It was based on Abraham Maslow’s exploration of the “farther reaches of human nature.” Maslow’s research and philosophy morphed into the hopeful, emerging field of Positive Psychology, which is currently creating international excitement.

This exciting information dovetailed with and reinforced my newfound approach to mothering my three children. Later on, that optimistic philosophy became the basis of my two books, The Winning Family and On the Wings of Self-Esteem, and also my presentations.

Research tells us that happier people have finer qualities. They are more caring, more socially engaged, more successful, harder working, and healthier. They also have high self-esteem. Misery, on the other hand, makes people self-obsessed and inactive.

So happiness is indeed a worthwhile pursuit. And we know it starts in families when we meet the needs of our children, when we evaluate our children from a “half-full” perspective rather than a “half-empty one,” and when we try to build on their strengths rather than fix their flaws. Learning to care for ourselves as we care for others, learning to lift up rather than put down, and learning to let go of perfectionism boosts our self-esteem and helps us raise happier families.

Brain research shows that emotions are contagious. So the best way to have happy children is for moms and dads to learn how to increase their own joy and well-being.


© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is parent educator, author, grandmother, and a Community Psychologist.

Louise wrote two books packed with information about improving well-being, happiness and self-esteem. Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) praised On the Wings of Self-Esteem: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, can help parents change negative patterns and create more connection and caring.

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