“How can I love when I was never loved?” my mother Theresa once asked. When she was only five, Theresa’s own mother had died in childbirth. Her father soon married another young woman in the village, and the family continued to grow. Being the oldest of 13 children, Theresa was saddled with enormous responsibility and hard work. And she always missed the love and affection of her own mother.
Mama expressed her love and care for her own five children in the only way she knew how—by doing. She cooked and baked, washed and ironed, gardened and canned. She knew little about tenderness, affection, and comforting. Unfortunately, all of her hard work didn't fill my primal hunger for attention, warmth, and love. For years I tried to mend our relationship, but I was met with little success.
Several years ago, as a grown woman with grown children of my own, things began to change when I attended a workshop. At one point we were asked to think of someone against whom we had grievances. We were to write those grievances on a piece of paper. I plunged right in: My mother didn’t love me. She didn’t show affection. She played favorites. She didn’t listen to me. She didn’t accept me for who I was. The painful list went on and on.
The leader's voice interrupted: “Are you willing to let her off the hook totally and completely?” I thought about her sitting in the nursing home near my home. She had little interest in living. Time was running out. I resolved to try once again to heal our connection. “Yes!” I shouted.
As I prepared myself for the visit, I remembered something important I had learned in graduate school: What parents need to hear more than anything from their grown children is, “You did an okay job.” I thought about Mama’s childhood experiences. Her family struggled to survive poverty in Germany, and there was little nurturance and emotional comfort in her own childhood. Later in life she worked very hard taking care of the physical needs of her husband and five children. She did her best. In fact, she gave us more than she had received as a child.
Driving to the nursing home I rehearsed what I wanted to say to my 88-year-old mother. She wasn’t in her room or on the patio. At last I found her, slumped in a wheelchair in front of a television. “Hello, Mama,” I said as I wheeled her outside to the patio. Then I took a deep breath and awkwardly began: “I know that I was a difficult child for you and I’m sorry. You did an okay job as a parent, and I am okay.” Her head was limp; her eyes were closed. I didn’t know if she was hearing my words.
I thanked her for all the good things she had done for me: sewing and mending and washing my clothes, growing vegetables and canning fruits and cooking healthy meals from scratch. And I thanked her for allowing me to go to college. I felt gratitude for every good thing she did for us. Then I paused, hugged her, and whispered, “I love you.” Silence filled the room. “Mama, do you have anything to say?” More silence…I held my breath. Then a feeble voice murmured, “Forgive me.” Those powerful words mysteriously released all of my painful childhood memories and grievances. They were her last words. Three days later she died.
The late-night call shocked me. I immediately called my daughter and went to her apartment. Kristen greeted me with an embrace and a glass of blood-red wine in a crystal goblet. Mozart’s Requiem Mass was playing in the background. She held me as I cried. Through my tears, I spotted a lighted candle set in a brown box. Mama had always kept that special box in her vanity—saving it for the last Sacrament of Extreme Unction for departing souls. I gathered the box and its contents, and we walked to the nursing home.
Mama was on the bed in her room. The wrinkled body looked like her, but it was empty. Her feet were still warm. I removed a bottle of rosewater and the antique gauze from the box. With great care I anointed the arms that had held me, the breasts that had nursed me, the face that hadn't laughed enough. Greatly relieved that I had finally made my peace with her, I bid farewell to the body that had given me life. We lit the candle, read the prayers, and sent her spirit on its way.
At her funeral I conveyed to my four siblings this powerful experience, as well as Mama's request for forgiveness. The healing was not just for me, but for all of us.
After her burial, my siblings and I gathered to tell stories about her. We laughed as, for the first time ever, we told funny stories about Mama. It was a time of remembering and honoring her life. That commemoration of Mama’s life was the best family celebration we ever had.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.
For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Monday, June 16, 2008
An Attitude of Gratitude: The Key to a Sweet Life
Never in the history of human procreation has parenting been an easy endeavor. It comes naturally, to be sure, but juggling the needs of a family is anything but simple. Feeding, cleaning, and clothing children can be stressful enough, but when you add the responsibilities of a home, a spouse, and a job, the challenge can seem overwhelming. Yet the juggling act that parenting requires can call forth coping skills and creativity that we didn’t know we had.
“If, for a hundred thousand years, you’ve been stirring the soup with one hand and holding the baby with the other, kicking off the woolly mastodon with one foot and rocking a cradle with the other, watching out for the return of the hunters with one eye and determining with the other on which cave wall you will paint a magical bison, then you are going to develop a very complex consciousness,” writes Jean Houston.
And that was in the days before soccer practice, ballet lessons, and video games. No matter how you slice it, parenting is a lot of work.
Work was the primary value for my German immigrant parents. My father was a sheet metal worker whose hands were as hard as shoe leather. He would leave early in the morning and come home tired at night. His deepest belief was: “Arbeit macht das Leben süss.” Work makes life sweet.
My mother also saw work as her duty. Managing a household for eight people required a very strict schedule: On Monday she washed the clothes and hung them on the line. If they didn’t dry, or if it rained, she had to re-hang them in the basement. Tuesday was ironing day. She could iron a shirt in three minutes flat! On Wednesday she mended clothes. On Thursday she changed the bedding and cleaned upstairs. Friday was her day to clean downstairs. On Saturday she shopped for groceries, baked bread, and made soup stock for the week. On Sunday, after church, she made a pot roast or chicken.
In addition to the weekly routine, she also had to “spring clean” the whole house, dig and plant the garden, can tomatoes and applesauce in the fall, and bake special breads and cookies for Christmas. She was so busy working so hard for us that there was little time or energy left for sweet “quality time” with us.
Some important things were missing in our house. For example, I rarely heard anyone express gratitude. Neither of my parents gave or received appreciation for hard work. They had probably never actually heard gratitude expressed in in their own families of originl. As a result, they had no idea how to express appreciation for each other or for us. And we children didn’t learn how to do it either. Yet gratitude would have added much sweetness to our family life.
When people feel unappreciated, their self-esteem sags. They may feel resentful, or they may complain about how hard they work and how ungrateful everyone is. Instead of moaning and groaning when you feel this way, you might try to ask for what you want: “I worked hard today and would like a hug, applause, and/or a pat on the back.”
If you’re not getting the strokes you need, you can give them to yourself. Tell yourself what you want to hear: “Good for you! That dinner was delicious.” Give yourself a pat on the back when you deserve it or need it. Then pat someone else’s. Your kids will pick this up from you.
It’s so easy to say, “Thanks for what you did.” “You did a good job!” Acknowledge efforts. Encourage others. Be generous with your kind words. They reduce tension, increase motivation, and sweeten relationships.
When we live with gratitude, we focus on what’s right rather than on what’s wrong. We look at what we do have rather than what we don’t have. Exercising gratitude can improve our physical and mental health, raise our energy level, and even relieve our pain and fatigue. Get a gratitude journal. Write down things for which you are thankful every day. It will increase your overall satisfaction with life and boost your happiness.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.
For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
“If, for a hundred thousand years, you’ve been stirring the soup with one hand and holding the baby with the other, kicking off the woolly mastodon with one foot and rocking a cradle with the other, watching out for the return of the hunters with one eye and determining with the other on which cave wall you will paint a magical bison, then you are going to develop a very complex consciousness,” writes Jean Houston.
And that was in the days before soccer practice, ballet lessons, and video games. No matter how you slice it, parenting is a lot of work.
Work was the primary value for my German immigrant parents. My father was a sheet metal worker whose hands were as hard as shoe leather. He would leave early in the morning and come home tired at night. His deepest belief was: “Arbeit macht das Leben süss.” Work makes life sweet.
My mother also saw work as her duty. Managing a household for eight people required a very strict schedule: On Monday she washed the clothes and hung them on the line. If they didn’t dry, or if it rained, she had to re-hang them in the basement. Tuesday was ironing day. She could iron a shirt in three minutes flat! On Wednesday she mended clothes. On Thursday she changed the bedding and cleaned upstairs. Friday was her day to clean downstairs. On Saturday she shopped for groceries, baked bread, and made soup stock for the week. On Sunday, after church, she made a pot roast or chicken.
In addition to the weekly routine, she also had to “spring clean” the whole house, dig and plant the garden, can tomatoes and applesauce in the fall, and bake special breads and cookies for Christmas. She was so busy working so hard for us that there was little time or energy left for sweet “quality time” with us.
Some important things were missing in our house. For example, I rarely heard anyone express gratitude. Neither of my parents gave or received appreciation for hard work. They had probably never actually heard gratitude expressed in in their own families of originl. As a result, they had no idea how to express appreciation for each other or for us. And we children didn’t learn how to do it either. Yet gratitude would have added much sweetness to our family life.
When people feel unappreciated, their self-esteem sags. They may feel resentful, or they may complain about how hard they work and how ungrateful everyone is. Instead of moaning and groaning when you feel this way, you might try to ask for what you want: “I worked hard today and would like a hug, applause, and/or a pat on the back.”
If you’re not getting the strokes you need, you can give them to yourself. Tell yourself what you want to hear: “Good for you! That dinner was delicious.” Give yourself a pat on the back when you deserve it or need it. Then pat someone else’s. Your kids will pick this up from you.
It’s so easy to say, “Thanks for what you did.” “You did a good job!” Acknowledge efforts. Encourage others. Be generous with your kind words. They reduce tension, increase motivation, and sweeten relationships.
When we live with gratitude, we focus on what’s right rather than on what’s wrong. We look at what we do have rather than what we don’t have. Exercising gratitude can improve our physical and mental health, raise our energy level, and even relieve our pain and fatigue. Get a gratitude journal. Write down things for which you are thankful every day. It will increase your overall satisfaction with life and boost your happiness.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.
For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Become the Parent You Wish You’d Had
“How many of you think your parents loved you as a child?” Most of the hands in the room go up. “Now, how many of you felt loved?” Just a sprinkling of hands remains. No matter where I speak, the response is generally the same.
What was it like growing up in your family? Did you know you were loved? Did you feel loved? Could you trust your family? How were you disciplined? And the most important question: Do you want to raise your chidren the same way?
From one generation to the next, parents tend to do to their children what was done to them—because that’s what they learned from their own parents. If, for example, their folks took good care of them and protected them from harm, they will take good care of their own children and protect them as well. Unfortunately, negative patterns also tend to repeat, generation after generation, until someone commits to making the necessary changes that will put their family on the higher road.
Parenting is like a “blueprint” that is embedded in the subconscious mind. The way our moms and dads parented us is a powerful tool in determining what kind of moms and dads we will be. If you are happy with how you were raised, the blueprint will serve you. If not, you have the opportunity to design a better one. It’s most important, therefore, to take an honest look at your family history. Only an honest and complete survey of your family life will allow you to uncover the blueprint.
My mother was the oldest of twelve siblings living in difficult circumstances in Germany. She had too many responsibilities too early, and her parents were unable to meet some of her most important needs. Many years later, while she was raising five children of her own, she talked about how much she had always missed the love of her own mother. “How can I love when I never was loved?”
I decided early on that I would raise my kids differently. I wouldn’t follow the blueprint given to me by my family of origin. Becoming a loving, playful, positive mother became my life’s mission and passion. Both of my books tell how I unlearned the things that I didn’t want to be part of my own family, and how I learned what I did want. Many years later, my three grown children and I continue to enjoy the close family relationships that I longed for as a youngster.
If there were negative patterns in your family—addictions, abuse, or neglect, for example—you can create a better life for your kids. Instead of repeating negative patterns, you can make a firm, conscious commitment to become the parent you wish you’d had. Instead of repeating old mistakes, you can learn from them. Instead of wounding your children, you can heal yourself. What a triumph this would be for you, your children, and your grandchildren.
Karl Menninger summed it up: “Love cures people - those who give it and those who receive it.” When we deeply love our little ones and fulfill their physical and emotional needs, we set the foundation for mental health, self-esteem, and a life-long connection.
Self-esteem is rooted in unconditional love: love with no strings attached; love with respect, acceptance, empathy, sensitivity and warmth; love that says, “Regardless of what you do, I love and accept you for who you are.” Truly, love is the best gift you give to your children—and to yourself. And it all comes back to you!
This quotation from Eastern philosophy can inspire you to take the first step on this uplifting path: “Man who chooses the beginning of a path also chooses the end of it.”
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.
For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
What was it like growing up in your family? Did you know you were loved? Did you feel loved? Could you trust your family? How were you disciplined? And the most important question: Do you want to raise your chidren the same way?
From one generation to the next, parents tend to do to their children what was done to them—because that’s what they learned from their own parents. If, for example, their folks took good care of them and protected them from harm, they will take good care of their own children and protect them as well. Unfortunately, negative patterns also tend to repeat, generation after generation, until someone commits to making the necessary changes that will put their family on the higher road.
Parenting is like a “blueprint” that is embedded in the subconscious mind. The way our moms and dads parented us is a powerful tool in determining what kind of moms and dads we will be. If you are happy with how you were raised, the blueprint will serve you. If not, you have the opportunity to design a better one. It’s most important, therefore, to take an honest look at your family history. Only an honest and complete survey of your family life will allow you to uncover the blueprint.
My mother was the oldest of twelve siblings living in difficult circumstances in Germany. She had too many responsibilities too early, and her parents were unable to meet some of her most important needs. Many years later, while she was raising five children of her own, she talked about how much she had always missed the love of her own mother. “How can I love when I never was loved?”
I decided early on that I would raise my kids differently. I wouldn’t follow the blueprint given to me by my family of origin. Becoming a loving, playful, positive mother became my life’s mission and passion. Both of my books tell how I unlearned the things that I didn’t want to be part of my own family, and how I learned what I did want. Many years later, my three grown children and I continue to enjoy the close family relationships that I longed for as a youngster.
If there were negative patterns in your family—addictions, abuse, or neglect, for example—you can create a better life for your kids. Instead of repeating negative patterns, you can make a firm, conscious commitment to become the parent you wish you’d had. Instead of repeating old mistakes, you can learn from them. Instead of wounding your children, you can heal yourself. What a triumph this would be for you, your children, and your grandchildren.
Karl Menninger summed it up: “Love cures people - those who give it and those who receive it.” When we deeply love our little ones and fulfill their physical and emotional needs, we set the foundation for mental health, self-esteem, and a life-long connection.
Self-esteem is rooted in unconditional love: love with no strings attached; love with respect, acceptance, empathy, sensitivity and warmth; love that says, “Regardless of what you do, I love and accept you for who you are.” Truly, love is the best gift you give to your children—and to yourself. And it all comes back to you!
This quotation from Eastern philosophy can inspire you to take the first step on this uplifting path: “Man who chooses the beginning of a path also chooses the end of it.”
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.
For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Twelve Tips for a Happier Family
It is in our nature to pursue happiness; why, then, is misery so common? How is it that the rates of depression in the U.S. are ten times higher than they were 50 years ago? And how is it that the average age for the onset of depression is 14, as compared to 29 in the 1960s? Where have we gone wrong?
Fortunately, there is good news: The Positive Psychology movement has ushered in the new Science of Happiness. We now know that happiness can be learned. In this article you will find proven tools and simple strategies for improving the quality of your life. An uplifting approach, new skills, and different choices can make a world of difference in your life. When you make positive choices, you begin an upward spiral. Things will just keep getting better and better.
Here are Twelve “Happiness Boosters”:
1. Close relationships. The most important factor in a satisfying life is having close relationships. Brain research tells us that humans are “hardwired for connection.” As we improve our ability to get along with others, family life gets better and better.
2. A sense of purpose. In order to be happy, we need to have a sense of direction, a sense of purpose. Children give our lives new meaning and a profound sense of purpose. All the things we do for them on a daily basis—feed, clothe, and comfort them, and teach and support them—are part of our mission to be good parents.
3. Nurture positive emotion. When we are enjoying positive feelings, we are creative, expansive, and tolerant. When we are in a good mood we are more likable, and our connections are likely to improve. This is also true for our children and our partners. It’s worth the effort to put more positive emotion into their lives and our own.
4. Positive expectations. When adults have negative expectations of children, they project those expectation onto their kids. Kids “read” that. They don’t want to disappoint you, so they are likely to do what you really don’t want them to do. Children live up to—or down to—your expectations. Expecting good things of them will inspire the positive behaviors you want.
5. Improve your listening skills. Think back to a time when you had something important to say and you were not listened to. What happened inside of you? Now remember a time when the person really listened, hanging on to your every word. You felt important, loved, worthwhile. Good listening is a gift—to both the speaker and the listener. It is an opportunity to be in tune with another person, to experience his or her inner world, to have empathy, and to be connected. This skill is crucial for connecting with others and for being happy.
6. Keep feelings moving. To be healthy and happy we need to know how to deal with a full range of feelings. “Healthy kids emote all the time; they roar and cry and yell and giggle and keep their emotions in motion, moving through them.” (The Winning Family, Louise Hart) All emotions are okay. You can help your children move through their emotions by letting them express those emotions. Then you can help them put a name to each emotion. When kids can “talk it out” they don’t have to “act it out.” They don’t have to hold their feelings inside. Becoming comfortable with all of your own feelings can help you re-parent yourself as you parent your child.
7. Let go of perfectionism. “Perfectionism is the world’s greatest con game. It’s a concept that doesn’t fit reality.” (On the Wings of Self-Esteem, Louise Hart) My favorite definition of a perfectionist is: someone who takes great pains and gives them to others! Humans are not perfect. Kids drop, spill, and forget things, and so do we. When we expect “perfect” we end up being frustrated, disappointed, and angry—very unhappy. Decide right now to stop pretending to be perfect. Laugh at bloopers. Resolve to learn how to let go of perfectionism.
8. Play more. Be silly. Have more fun. When we play, important things are happening beneath the surface. The thrill of being alive pervades our bodies. If you have forgotten how to play, your children can help you remember. My children helped me remember some wonderful old games like hide-and-seek and squirt-gun fights. They even encouraged me to try new games like hacky-sack and skateboarding. Through our children we can see the world with fresh eyes. With them we can cut loose from stuffy adultness, be totally foolish, and get away with being unforgivably silly! We can reclaim forgotten parts of ourselves and rediscover the finer points of childhood. Families—and life—are supposed to be fun!
9. Appreciation and Gratitude. Moms work hard. Dads work hard. Yet research has found that they mostly don’t feel appreciated. When we don’t feel appreciated, we may feel resentful. We may grumble about how hard we work and how ungrateful everyone is. The good news: Appreciation is easy to give and it can improve the emotional climate in your home. Here’s a homework assignment for you: Make a Gratitude List. Think of five or ten things you are grateful for every day. Do it with your family. Talk about this at dinner or when you’re putting your kids to bed. Focusing on gratitude will make you happier.
10. Simplify, simplify, simplify. We Americans are trying to fit more and more things into less and less time. And it doesn’t work. Too much stuff and too many activities stress and overwhelm us. As the emphasis on material possessions increases, so do the levels of depression. Too much stuff burdens us and distracts us from what really brings us happiness: a sense of purpose and meaning, and playing and having fun on a daily basis.
11. Adjust your focus. Do you see the glass as half-empty or half-full? Do you first see the low grades or the high grades on the report card? Are you a fault-finder or a strength-builder? I remember visiting my mother when I was pregnant with my first child. I wore a dress that I made myself. My peers thought I had done a wonderful job and had told me so, so I was eager to show it off to my mom. I knocked on the door. When she opened it, she looked me over from top to bottom and said, “You have a spot on your dress.” Sadly, she missed the beauty of the garment and my excitement and triumph in creating it. Her focus on finding fault hurt me deeply and disconnected us even further. If she had had a positive focus she could have seen the beauty of the dress and my excitement; it would have been a sweet moment that brought us closer. (She might have mentioned the spot later and helped me remove it. This would have felt like a favor, not an attack.)
12. Emotions are contagious. Little children who are loved and cared for have a natural joy; when you’re in tune with them, their joy can be infectious. Older children, even ten-year-olds, can be taught the skills of optimistic and hopeful thinking and action. In The Optimistic Child, Martin Seligman reports that when children learn to be optimistic and hopeful, their rates of depression are cut in half during puberty. Adults can also learn to be optimistic—if they really want to learn.
As you apply these tips you will notice an increase in your own positive feelings—and those of your family members. Begin now and keep at it. Little changes can make a big difference.
Making your kids happy makes you happy. And when you are happy and smiling more, your kids will be happier and laughing more. These choices—these changes—can begin an upward spiral towards having a happier family.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, and non-guilt provoking!”
For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Fortunately, there is good news: The Positive Psychology movement has ushered in the new Science of Happiness. We now know that happiness can be learned. In this article you will find proven tools and simple strategies for improving the quality of your life. An uplifting approach, new skills, and different choices can make a world of difference in your life. When you make positive choices, you begin an upward spiral. Things will just keep getting better and better.
Here are Twelve “Happiness Boosters”:
1. Close relationships. The most important factor in a satisfying life is having close relationships. Brain research tells us that humans are “hardwired for connection.” As we improve our ability to get along with others, family life gets better and better.
2. A sense of purpose. In order to be happy, we need to have a sense of direction, a sense of purpose. Children give our lives new meaning and a profound sense of purpose. All the things we do for them on a daily basis—feed, clothe, and comfort them, and teach and support them—are part of our mission to be good parents.
3. Nurture positive emotion. When we are enjoying positive feelings, we are creative, expansive, and tolerant. When we are in a good mood we are more likable, and our connections are likely to improve. This is also true for our children and our partners. It’s worth the effort to put more positive emotion into their lives and our own.
4. Positive expectations. When adults have negative expectations of children, they project those expectation onto their kids. Kids “read” that. They don’t want to disappoint you, so they are likely to do what you really don’t want them to do. Children live up to—or down to—your expectations. Expecting good things of them will inspire the positive behaviors you want.
5. Improve your listening skills. Think back to a time when you had something important to say and you were not listened to. What happened inside of you? Now remember a time when the person really listened, hanging on to your every word. You felt important, loved, worthwhile. Good listening is a gift—to both the speaker and the listener. It is an opportunity to be in tune with another person, to experience his or her inner world, to have empathy, and to be connected. This skill is crucial for connecting with others and for being happy.
6. Keep feelings moving. To be healthy and happy we need to know how to deal with a full range of feelings. “Healthy kids emote all the time; they roar and cry and yell and giggle and keep their emotions in motion, moving through them.” (The Winning Family, Louise Hart) All emotions are okay. You can help your children move through their emotions by letting them express those emotions. Then you can help them put a name to each emotion. When kids can “talk it out” they don’t have to “act it out.” They don’t have to hold their feelings inside. Becoming comfortable with all of your own feelings can help you re-parent yourself as you parent your child.
7. Let go of perfectionism. “Perfectionism is the world’s greatest con game. It’s a concept that doesn’t fit reality.” (On the Wings of Self-Esteem, Louise Hart) My favorite definition of a perfectionist is: someone who takes great pains and gives them to others! Humans are not perfect. Kids drop, spill, and forget things, and so do we. When we expect “perfect” we end up being frustrated, disappointed, and angry—very unhappy. Decide right now to stop pretending to be perfect. Laugh at bloopers. Resolve to learn how to let go of perfectionism.
8. Play more. Be silly. Have more fun. When we play, important things are happening beneath the surface. The thrill of being alive pervades our bodies. If you have forgotten how to play, your children can help you remember. My children helped me remember some wonderful old games like hide-and-seek and squirt-gun fights. They even encouraged me to try new games like hacky-sack and skateboarding. Through our children we can see the world with fresh eyes. With them we can cut loose from stuffy adultness, be totally foolish, and get away with being unforgivably silly! We can reclaim forgotten parts of ourselves and rediscover the finer points of childhood. Families—and life—are supposed to be fun!
9. Appreciation and Gratitude. Moms work hard. Dads work hard. Yet research has found that they mostly don’t feel appreciated. When we don’t feel appreciated, we may feel resentful. We may grumble about how hard we work and how ungrateful everyone is. The good news: Appreciation is easy to give and it can improve the emotional climate in your home. Here’s a homework assignment for you: Make a Gratitude List. Think of five or ten things you are grateful for every day. Do it with your family. Talk about this at dinner or when you’re putting your kids to bed. Focusing on gratitude will make you happier.
10. Simplify, simplify, simplify. We Americans are trying to fit more and more things into less and less time. And it doesn’t work. Too much stuff and too many activities stress and overwhelm us. As the emphasis on material possessions increases, so do the levels of depression. Too much stuff burdens us and distracts us from what really brings us happiness: a sense of purpose and meaning, and playing and having fun on a daily basis.
11. Adjust your focus. Do you see the glass as half-empty or half-full? Do you first see the low grades or the high grades on the report card? Are you a fault-finder or a strength-builder? I remember visiting my mother when I was pregnant with my first child. I wore a dress that I made myself. My peers thought I had done a wonderful job and had told me so, so I was eager to show it off to my mom. I knocked on the door. When she opened it, she looked me over from top to bottom and said, “You have a spot on your dress.” Sadly, she missed the beauty of the garment and my excitement and triumph in creating it. Her focus on finding fault hurt me deeply and disconnected us even further. If she had had a positive focus she could have seen the beauty of the dress and my excitement; it would have been a sweet moment that brought us closer. (She might have mentioned the spot later and helped me remove it. This would have felt like a favor, not an attack.)
12. Emotions are contagious. Little children who are loved and cared for have a natural joy; when you’re in tune with them, their joy can be infectious. Older children, even ten-year-olds, can be taught the skills of optimistic and hopeful thinking and action. In The Optimistic Child, Martin Seligman reports that when children learn to be optimistic and hopeful, their rates of depression are cut in half during puberty. Adults can also learn to be optimistic—if they really want to learn.
As you apply these tips you will notice an increase in your own positive feelings—and those of your family members. Begin now and keep at it. Little changes can make a big difference.
Making your kids happy makes you happy. And when you are happy and smiling more, your kids will be happier and laughing more. These choices—these changes—can begin an upward spiral towards having a happier family.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, and non-guilt provoking!”
For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Encouraging Words To Improve Family Life and Build Self-Esteem
Never in the history of human procreation has parenting been easy. It comes naturally, to be sure, but juggling the needs of a family is anything but simple. Feeding, cleaning, and clothing can be stressful enough, but when you add the responsibilities of a home, a spouse, and a job, the challenge often seems overwhelming. Fortunately, the juggling act that parenting requires can call forth coping skills and creativity that we didn't know we had.
One hundred thousand years or so ago, a typical mom would be "stirring the soup with one hand and rocking the baby with the other, kicking off the woolly mastodon with one foot and rocking a cradle with the other, watching out for the return of the hunters and determining with the other on which cave wall she would paint a magical bison..." (Jean Houston). That was in the days before ballet lessons, birthday parties, soccer practice—and the demands of a job. No matter how you slice it, parenting is a lot of work.
My German immigrant parents were hard workers. Papa was a sheet metal worker whose hands were as hard as shoe leather. His life reflected his deepest belief: "Arbeit macht das Leben süess." Work makes life sweet.
My mother managed a household of eight people, which required a strict schedule. Monday was washday. She washed the clothes in the basement and then she hung them on the lines in the yard. If it rained, she had to take them down and re-hang them in the basement. Tuesday was ironing day. She could iron a shirt in three minutes flat! On Wednesday she mended clothes. On Thursday she changed bed sheets and cleaned upstairs. On Friday she cleaned the downstairs. Saturday was shopping day. She also baked bread and made soup stock for the week. On Sunday, after church, she cooked a pot roast or chicken for dinner.
But something very important was missing in our home: emotional warmth and appreciation. My parents had not received affirmation and appreciation when they were young, and they didn't know how to give it. Words of criticism slipped out of their mouths more easily than words of gratitude. Yet positive words would have added sweetness to our family life and increased everyone’s self-esteem.
I remember returning home as a teacher, eager to show my mother a beautiful maternity dress I had made. Opening the door, she gave me a quick glance saying, “You have a spot on your dress.” Her thoughtless criticism hurt me deeply. Sadly, because of her mindset, she missed seeing the beauty of the garment and couldn’t sense my feeling of triumph. Another opportunity for mother-daughter closeness and shared joy was lost.
When people suffer “appreciation deprivation,” their self-esteem sags. They may feel resentful, or they may complain about how hard they work and how ungrateful everyone is. Everyone suffers as a result of these negative feelings.
Here’s the good news: Appreciation and encouragement can change the emotional climate in your home. Here are 10 words and phrases you might use:
1. "Thanks for setting the table."
2. "I'm glad you remembered to brush your teeth.”
3. "I like how you share toys with your friend.”
4. “I appreciate what you do.”
5. “I’m glad you’re my son/daughter/partner.”
6. “You’re fun to play with.”
7. “That was a good try.”
8. “You are so thoughtful!”
9. “I like the way you listen.”
10. “You’re terrific!”
When you look for the good stuff and comment on it, you can actually increase it! That’s because, what you look for you find, and what you focus on expands. And according to brain research, emotions are contagious. Therefore, while criticism and hurtful words increase negative feelings, gratitude and kindness increase positive feelings, reduce tension, and sweeten relationships.
Instead of giving ourselves critical and unkind messages—“stinkin’ thinkin’—we can use positive messages in our self-talk. Tell yourself what you would like to hear. "Good for me!” “The dinner was delicious!" “I’m a good mom/dad.” You might even give yourself a pat on the back. It’s also okay to ask for what you want: "I worked very hard today and would like a hug, a thank you, or, applause.” Don’t miss opportunities to give kind, positive messages to others. Relationships are happier when couples frequently give each other appreciation and gratitude for their contributions. Your kids will notice those positive messages and do the same, learning pro-social skills in the process.
Little changes can make a big difference. When we are gracious, we focus on what's right rather than what's wrong. We look at what we do have rather than what we don't have. When you count your blessings and sprinkle your days with appreciation, you will notice joy increasing in your family.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”
For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
One hundred thousand years or so ago, a typical mom would be "stirring the soup with one hand and rocking the baby with the other, kicking off the woolly mastodon with one foot and rocking a cradle with the other, watching out for the return of the hunters and determining with the other on which cave wall she would paint a magical bison..." (Jean Houston). That was in the days before ballet lessons, birthday parties, soccer practice—and the demands of a job. No matter how you slice it, parenting is a lot of work.
My German immigrant parents were hard workers. Papa was a sheet metal worker whose hands were as hard as shoe leather. His life reflected his deepest belief: "Arbeit macht das Leben süess." Work makes life sweet.
My mother managed a household of eight people, which required a strict schedule. Monday was washday. She washed the clothes in the basement and then she hung them on the lines in the yard. If it rained, she had to take them down and re-hang them in the basement. Tuesday was ironing day. She could iron a shirt in three minutes flat! On Wednesday she mended clothes. On Thursday she changed bed sheets and cleaned upstairs. On Friday she cleaned the downstairs. Saturday was shopping day. She also baked bread and made soup stock for the week. On Sunday, after church, she cooked a pot roast or chicken for dinner.
But something very important was missing in our home: emotional warmth and appreciation. My parents had not received affirmation and appreciation when they were young, and they didn't know how to give it. Words of criticism slipped out of their mouths more easily than words of gratitude. Yet positive words would have added sweetness to our family life and increased everyone’s self-esteem.
I remember returning home as a teacher, eager to show my mother a beautiful maternity dress I had made. Opening the door, she gave me a quick glance saying, “You have a spot on your dress.” Her thoughtless criticism hurt me deeply. Sadly, because of her mindset, she missed seeing the beauty of the garment and couldn’t sense my feeling of triumph. Another opportunity for mother-daughter closeness and shared joy was lost.
When people suffer “appreciation deprivation,” their self-esteem sags. They may feel resentful, or they may complain about how hard they work and how ungrateful everyone is. Everyone suffers as a result of these negative feelings.
Here’s the good news: Appreciation and encouragement can change the emotional climate in your home. Here are 10 words and phrases you might use:
1. "Thanks for setting the table."
2. "I'm glad you remembered to brush your teeth.”
3. "I like how you share toys with your friend.”
4. “I appreciate what you do.”
5. “I’m glad you’re my son/daughter/partner.”
6. “You’re fun to play with.”
7. “That was a good try.”
8. “You are so thoughtful!”
9. “I like the way you listen.”
10. “You’re terrific!”
When you look for the good stuff and comment on it, you can actually increase it! That’s because, what you look for you find, and what you focus on expands. And according to brain research, emotions are contagious. Therefore, while criticism and hurtful words increase negative feelings, gratitude and kindness increase positive feelings, reduce tension, and sweeten relationships.
Instead of giving ourselves critical and unkind messages—“stinkin’ thinkin’—we can use positive messages in our self-talk. Tell yourself what you would like to hear. "Good for me!” “The dinner was delicious!" “I’m a good mom/dad.” You might even give yourself a pat on the back. It’s also okay to ask for what you want: "I worked very hard today and would like a hug, a thank you, or, applause.” Don’t miss opportunities to give kind, positive messages to others. Relationships are happier when couples frequently give each other appreciation and gratitude for their contributions. Your kids will notice those positive messages and do the same, learning pro-social skills in the process.
Little changes can make a big difference. When we are gracious, we focus on what's right rather than what's wrong. We look at what we do have rather than what we don't have. When you count your blessings and sprinkle your days with appreciation, you will notice joy increasing in your family.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”
For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Honoring Today’s Dads
I noticed something remarkable on a recent outing to the playground with my granddaughters. Four dads in a row were pushing their toddlers on swings—almost in sync. The playful dance thrilled me! Several other dads were there that warm, sunny morning: one was blowing bubbles, one was comforting a hurt child and wiping her tears, and some were talking with each other. One man told me that becoming a dad had a greater impact on his sense of purpose and meaning in life than any other transition.
That scene was strikingly different from playground scenes thirty years ago when my kids were young. In 1970, 24% of all households had the “traditional” arrangement of a breadwinning father married to a homemaking mother who was also the primary childcare provider. Today only 7% fit that model.
At that time gender roles ruled at the playground—and in the home. Although women (like myself) were in charge of the home front, it was understood that we were “just housewives” and “didn’t work.” Caring for the children was considered women’s work and was therefore undervalued by society. I remember hearing a dad boast that, even though he had five children, he had never changed a diaper. More and more men are now co-parenting and sharing housework.
What an enormous change in our families! According to family historian Stephanie Coontz, marriage has changed more in the last 30 years than in the previous 3,000. “Men’s greater involvement at home is good for their relationships with their spouses, and also good for their children. Fathers who are more involved with their families raise sons who are more expressive and empathic and daughters who are more likely to do well in school—especially in math and science.”
This increased time and involvement with their children means that fathers are bonding with them—early and deeply. This is great news for the children, the dads, the moms, and society as a whole. Research tells us that the number one antidote to risky behavior in children is a strong relationship with a parent. This connection will protect kids throughout their childhood years and give them inner strength as they encounter the dangers of society.
The recent changes in family life have brought many benefits:
• More equal family roles, including co-parenting and partnerships,
• Greater personal freedom and independence,
• Increased mobility.
These changes also present a host of new challenges:
• Disconnection from extended family,
• Isolation from neighbors and community,
• Maintenance of healthy balance between work and home life.
The grandparent-grandchild relationship is very special. Because my folks were immigrants, I never knew my own grandparents. I committed to doing whatever was necessary to ensure that my grandchildren had a different experience, so ten years ago I moved 1500 miles across the country to be close to them. The connections are sweeter than I had imagined, for all three generations. Solutions to the common disconnection between grandparents and grandchildren are offered in my book, The Winning Family; you can “adopt” grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and extend your family.
In addition, dads and moms need a new parenting style that is not based on dominance and submission, orders and obedience. Partner-parents need to learn the Democratic Leadership Style, which is based on mutual respect, communication, choice, and cooperation.
“Like father, like son” is an old expression that is currently being questioned and disproved. The fathers of the last generation were defined by their roles as sole breadwinners and strict disciplinarians. The phrase, “Wait until your father comes home…” struck fear in the hearts of many youngsters, and undermined a loving connection between fathers and their children.
The modern partner-dads who are designing a new vision place a premium on:
• Being there. Investing in family. Engaging and connecting deeply.
• Holding others in high regard. Showing respect.
• Knowing that kids see and imitate everything they do and say.
• Listening intently to others and encouraging their opinions.
• Discussing the rules.
• Committing to peaceful, non-violent conflict resolution.
The family of origin has a huge influence. We can learn from the past—the way we were raised—and make a better future for our children.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.
For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
That scene was strikingly different from playground scenes thirty years ago when my kids were young. In 1970, 24% of all households had the “traditional” arrangement of a breadwinning father married to a homemaking mother who was also the primary childcare provider. Today only 7% fit that model.
At that time gender roles ruled at the playground—and in the home. Although women (like myself) were in charge of the home front, it was understood that we were “just housewives” and “didn’t work.” Caring for the children was considered women’s work and was therefore undervalued by society. I remember hearing a dad boast that, even though he had five children, he had never changed a diaper. More and more men are now co-parenting and sharing housework.
What an enormous change in our families! According to family historian Stephanie Coontz, marriage has changed more in the last 30 years than in the previous 3,000. “Men’s greater involvement at home is good for their relationships with their spouses, and also good for their children. Fathers who are more involved with their families raise sons who are more expressive and empathic and daughters who are more likely to do well in school—especially in math and science.”
This increased time and involvement with their children means that fathers are bonding with them—early and deeply. This is great news for the children, the dads, the moms, and society as a whole. Research tells us that the number one antidote to risky behavior in children is a strong relationship with a parent. This connection will protect kids throughout their childhood years and give them inner strength as they encounter the dangers of society.
The recent changes in family life have brought many benefits:
• More equal family roles, including co-parenting and partnerships,
• Greater personal freedom and independence,
• Increased mobility.
These changes also present a host of new challenges:
• Disconnection from extended family,
• Isolation from neighbors and community,
• Maintenance of healthy balance between work and home life.
The grandparent-grandchild relationship is very special. Because my folks were immigrants, I never knew my own grandparents. I committed to doing whatever was necessary to ensure that my grandchildren had a different experience, so ten years ago I moved 1500 miles across the country to be close to them. The connections are sweeter than I had imagined, for all three generations. Solutions to the common disconnection between grandparents and grandchildren are offered in my book, The Winning Family; you can “adopt” grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and extend your family.
In addition, dads and moms need a new parenting style that is not based on dominance and submission, orders and obedience. Partner-parents need to learn the Democratic Leadership Style, which is based on mutual respect, communication, choice, and cooperation.
“Like father, like son” is an old expression that is currently being questioned and disproved. The fathers of the last generation were defined by their roles as sole breadwinners and strict disciplinarians. The phrase, “Wait until your father comes home…” struck fear in the hearts of many youngsters, and undermined a loving connection between fathers and their children.
The modern partner-dads who are designing a new vision place a premium on:
• Being there. Investing in family. Engaging and connecting deeply.
• Holding others in high regard. Showing respect.
• Knowing that kids see and imitate everything they do and say.
• Listening intently to others and encouraging their opinions.
• Discussing the rules.
• Committing to peaceful, non-violent conflict resolution.
The family of origin has a huge influence. We can learn from the past—the way we were raised—and make a better future for our children.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.
For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
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