Sometimes Parents Say Dumb Things: Ideas for Damage Control

Parents sometimes say dumb things without even thinking about it. "You're gonna fall down" (yet wanting the kid to not fall from the tree), or "Your teeth will rot and fall out" (trying to get her to brush her teeth), or "You're gonna get sick" (to a boy who doesn't put on his sweatshirt). Instead of telling children what they do want, the parents focus on what they don't want and instill fear and negativity.

I said a dumb thing at a picnic in the mountains with my children. After we ate, my twelve-year-old son asked, "Mom, can I climb that mountain"? I looked at the mountain and looked at him and said, "Okay." A little later, my seven-year-old son asked the same question, "Can I climb the mountain?" Thoughtlessly I replied, "No Felix, you're too clumsy." When I heard what I had said, I wished I could eat my words. At the time, I didn't know how to "fix" it.

Back home, he became a walking disaster. He began to drop, spill, bump into, and fall over everything. Every time he went to pour milk, it was all over the counter. He was probably saying to himself, "That all-important, all-knowing person who is my mother thinks that I am clumsy. So I must be clumsy." Without realizing it, I had created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Feeling guilty about and responsible for this problem, I tried hard to not make matters worse. Whenever there was a mess, I calmly encouraged him to clean it up. After two long weeks, he returned to his normal, not-so-clumsy self.

Many parents at my workshops admit that they also have said dumb things—and wish they hadn't. Without intending to, without meaning to, thoughtless words can do lots of damage and cause lots of pain.

There are two huge problems to consider: First of all, when children are little, they believe you! They think that you say what you mean and mean what you say. Hurtful words, therefore, can cut deeply. Second, they take it personally! They can internalize your criticism and repeat it to themselves over and over, maybe for the rest of heir live. So it goes on after you go off!

I spent a lot of time "replaying" the incident, trying to figure out how I might do it differently if it should ever happen again. One thing I might have said was, "That was a clumsy thing for me to say. I'm sorry!" Then I could have given him a hug and called his brother to wait up and take him along. Or I could have gone up the mountain with him. Doing those things might have "undone" the careless words and reversed the damage.

I learned many lessons from this mistake:

• Never label children. It hurts them. They tend to believe it, and then become it. Also, labels ("Stupid") can become much larger than we intend and have far-reaching impact.

• Don't start sentences with "You". If instead of saying, "You're clumsy," I had said, "I don't think it's a good idea", there would not have been a problem. I-statements don't get us into as much trouble as You-statements do.

I had other important insights:

• Words have more power than we imagine.

• Sometimes the tongue works faster than the brain.

• At times we have to bite out tongue so that it doesn't get us into trouble.

Now I think first before I talk, and am very care-ful about what comes out of my mouth. So I have to worry less about damage control.

Scar tissue on the tip of the tongue is like a badge of honor. It means that you care enough to stop, cool off, and not inflict wounds. It is a sign that you care deeply about your child.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.

For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Shaping Great Kids With Positive Parenting

According to a Canadian survey, nearly 30% of infants and young children have an identifiable emotional, social, or intellectual problem that could have been prevented through positive parenting.

Positive parenting involves all aspects of healthy child development. Based on decades of research, it enhances the physical, social, and mental health of children by addressing major skill areas that inform future well-being. Parents who use this approach have children who are healthier and happier, as well as more cooperative, connected, and confident.

The relationship between emotional experiences as children, and physical and mental health as adults, is powerful and life-long. Childhood traumas give birth to high-risk behaviors, disorders, diseases, and unspeakable pain and suffering. Unfortunately, there’s a tendency to do to our children what was done to us—repeat the “bad stuff”—because that’s how we learned to parent. As a result, parents find themselves caught in a downward spiral.

Here’s the good news: Raising children gives parents the opportunity to take the high road. They can heal themselves by choosing to not repeat the “bad stuff” and choosing instead to change negative intergenerational family patterns. This heroic work requires that parents be aware of and learn to manage their emotions and behaviors. It also requires parents to be responsive to the needs of their children. Empathy—putting yourself in your child’s shoes and recalling what childhood was like for you—can become your motivation to change intergenerational patterns. Treating children with respect and tuning in to their thoughts and feelings can make a huge difference.

It started for me when I was very young. As a childhood victim of anger and abuse, I swore that I would never subject my children to the same treatment. Many other parents have made the same vow, resolving not to repeat harmful actions that caused them fear, anger, and suffering. They consciously explore ways to be not reactive, but pro-active in raising healthy kids. Starting with those good intentions, they learn to improve communication and other skills. This allows them to move into an upward spiral.

Positive parents learn to focus on the “good stuff”—respect, warmth, nurturance, empathy, and win-win attitudes. They discover that when they focus on the behaviors they want from their children, those behaviors increase. At the same time, the behaviors that they don’t want fall away and disappear. It’s the Law of Attraction: What you focus on expands.

There are lots of ways of looking at things. When parents change their thoughts and beliefs, they can actually change their worlds and their children’s worlds. When you change your mind, you change your life.

Invest in Kids/Canada has created three main “How To’s” for positive parenting: Comfort, Play & Teach™. Tried and true, each is a simple way of relating more positively to children:

• Comfort. Love/comfort is the primary necessity of babies and children. There are many shades of comfort/love: caring, nurturing, touch, affection, understanding, compassion, and warmth. When you comfort your children, meet their needs, and show respect and empathy, they feel secure, valued, and content.

• Play. The “work” of children is play, and moms and dads are their favorite playmates. This enriching activity has far-reaching benefits—fun, silliness, spontaneity, creativity, connection, and more. Important things happen beneath the surface when children play.

• Teach. Parents help their children learn about life by teaching. Talking about and commenting on situations helps kids solve problems, understand new things, and make sense of the world.

I would add to the list:
• Flex and Yield. Structure and routine are very important, but rigidity can lead to unwanted struggles. It’s important to be flexible when time and circumstances dictate. When parents are spontaneous in addressing challenges and opportunities that may suddenly appear, life is less stressful. Flexibility is essential for psychological health and for a happy family.

Positive parenting has nothing to do with being “perfect.” No one is perfect! Trying to be perfect—perfectionism—is a self-defeating behavior that dooms people to frustration, anxiety, depression, and hiding mistakes. They never feel good enough. No matter how hard they work, they are never satisfied.

Furthermore, perfectionism rigidifies behavior, making parents unable to respond adequately when flexibility is needed. Unfortunately, everyone around a perfectionist becomes self-critical and suffers from low self-esteem. And sadly, the pursuit of perfection seems to be increasing as media culture evolves. This puts even more families at risk. As people realize that perfectionism is not a good thing, and as they learn how to release its hold, negative interactions will decrease and positive interactions will increase.

Positive parenting information can support and guide you on the high road and give you tools, tips, and techniques to help you shape great kids. The many benefits of positive parenting include good feelings and good times on a daily basis, a sense of well-being, and life-long loving connections, extending even into future generations.


© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”

For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.

A Shift in Focus Can Change Your Life

“When people are so focused on what’s wrong with you, it’s hard to discover what’s right with you.” The frustrated teenager was fed up because his parents saw only half of the picture—his flaws and pimples, his shortcomings and problems. They totally missed “the good stuff”—his kindness, joy, cooperation, compassion, and strengths. The result of his parents’ “half-empty” perception was a child with low self-esteem, discouragement, and disconnection.

Most parenting books published in the last two generations have focused on finding problem behaviors and correcting them. Unfortunately, this negative approach has taken the focus off of the pleasures of parenting.

Why is this important to parents? Because a negative focus actually creates more unwanted traits and behaviors. A positive focus, on the other hand, actually creates more “good stuff.” You find what you look for. The subtle act of shifting your focus to “catch them being good” can make a huge difference because what you focus on increases. You will notice more and more “good stuff.” Then give your kids the attention/praise/encouragement for which they hunger (“atta boy,” “good job!”); such encouragement motivates them to repeat the positive behavior.
Furthermore, your children don’t want to disappoint you. They will, therefore, live up to your positive expectations or down to your negative ones. Expressing positive expectations can actually bring out the best in kids.

The rapidly growing field of “Positive Psychology” was designed by Professor Martin Seligman who, after devoting his entire life to his profession, had an epiphany. He realized that the traditional work of psychologists was “to make miserable people less miserable.” So he started to investigate the other half of psychology focused on building positive emotions, building strengths and virtues, and building positive institutions.

I had the same epiphany decades before while attending a graduate school class called “The Psychology of the Healthy Personality.” It was based on Abraham Maslow’s exploration of the “farther reaches of human nature.” Maslow’s research and philosophy morphed into the hopeful, emerging field of Positive Psychology, which is currently creating international excitement.

This exciting information dovetailed with and reinforced my newfound approach to mothering my three children. Later on, that optimistic philosophy became the basis of my two books, The Winning Family and On the Wings of Self-Esteem, and also my presentations.

Research tells us that happier people have finer qualities. They are more caring, more socially engaged, more successful, harder working, and healthier. They also have high self-esteem. Misery, on the other hand, makes people self-obsessed and inactive.

So happiness is indeed a worthwhile pursuit. And we know it starts in families when we meet the needs of our children, when we evaluate our children from a “half-full” perspective rather than a “half-empty one,” and when we try to build on their strengths rather than fix their flaws. Learning to care for ourselves as we care for others, learning to lift up rather than put down, and learning to let go of perfectionism boosts our self-esteem and helps us raise happier families.

Brain research shows that emotions are contagious. So the best way to have happy children is for moms and dads to learn how to increase their own joy and well-being.


© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is parent educator, author, grandmother, and a Community Psychologist.

Louise wrote two books packed with information about improving well-being, happiness and self-esteem. Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) praised On the Wings of Self-Esteem: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, can help parents change negative patterns and create more connection and caring.

Sign up for her free Hart to Heart Newsletter at http://www.drlouisehart.com. You'll also find information about Hart's books, workshops and teleclasses at her website.