Dr. Louise Hart
Published as: What Our Children Really Need
Marin Independent Journal
August 8, 2006
Recent articles about “The Price of Privilege” in the San Francisco and Marin newspapers expose the deeply unhappy and disconnected kids with “bulging closets and empty lives”. Author, Madeline Levine, sounds an alarming wake-up call. In her new book, she brings to the forefront what people would prefer to not know about: that the obsession with the perfect facade, materialism and competition bring emptiness and disconnection, anxiety and pain.
This discussion needs to be framed in a larger context - beyond the distress of the affluent teens. It must include other less-well-off youngsters nationwide who are also being emotionally damaged and psychologically harmed. Are teens, perhaps, like canaries in the coal mines? This discussion must also include the dangers in the social landscape that put everyone at risk. It must acknowledge the numerous youngsters who are connected, resilient, and thriving. And finally we must talk about what we can do in our homes to prevent damage and harm in others.
Consider these facts about the social landscape:
• The average American kid spends over 44 hours per week with media and entertainment - compared to only 17 hours spent with parents.
• 53% of kids between ages 8-18 have no rules about TV use.
• 70% of the content once considered “R” rated now appears in PG-13 movies. (commonsensemedia.org)
• Each year videos become more graphic and gruesome. (Allen D. Kanner, Ph.D., Berkeley child and family psychologist, The National Psychologist, May/June 2006)
* The fastest growing area of advertising in the country today is marketing to kids. In 1990 around $100 million was spent; in 2000 it was over $2 billion. (The “Other Child Predators: Advertisers, by Tom Glaister, ConsumerAffairs.com 7/9/06)
• Over the last two decades there has been an explosion of marketing of junk food, alcohol, tobacco and sexually provocative clothing to children. (Allen D. Panner, Ph.D., Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood)
These are only a few of the social changes that are having an unprecedented impact on our lives and that of our children. There are many more, including global warming and unending war.
The all-American bottom line - money, greed, and looking out for number one - may bring affluence to some, but what is the cost to families? A woman in my workshop told me, “My father would buy me anything I wanted, but would never show me affection. I’ve spent my whole life feeling that he didn’t love me.”
Parents may spend 16 hours a day “providing” for kids, but be absent at dinner. They’re not fostering positive relationships. This spells trouble because human brains are designed to connect with one another, to be in relationship.
We need a new bottom line in which we value relationships more than money, where we live our lives as though family and relationships really matter.
All the material “stuff” in the world cannot fill paramount emotional and social needs -- attention, acceptance, unconditional love, trust, connection, safety.... And when needs are not met, there are problems.
It takes an on-going investment of effort and time to connect with a child’s heart, mind and spirit. When teens are connected to their families it protects them against every health risk behavior - from alcohol to drugs to pregnancy to depression to suicide. Positive parent-family relationships are essential to buffer kids against the dangers of society.
In the past parents had been expected to raise their children in accordance with dominant cultural messages. Today they are expected to do battle with the culture. At some point between Lamaze and kindergarten, parents wake up to the fact that one of their main jobs is to “counter the culture,” wrote columnist Ellen Goodman. What the media delivers to children by the masses, they must rebut one at a time. Parents find themselves struggling for the hearts and minds of their own children. (“Battling Our Culture Is Parents’ Task”, Ellen Goodman, Chicago Tribune, 8/18, 1993)
The easiest way to prevent problems in teenagers is to lay a solid foundation early on. But we cannot turn back the clock. The good news: it’s possible to shift from fear-based to love-based interactions. It’s never too late to create positive changes in a youngster’s life - and in our own. Classes and books can help move you in the right direction.
Developing respectful, trust-based relationships and re-connecting on a daily basis bonds families together. Teenagers need this as much as children of any age. Families can be an unfolding love story - a source of belonging, joy and satisfaction throughout life.
© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on. Visit http://www.drlouisehart.com for information on her workshops, books, and free newsletter.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Touch: The "Weather Report" Game
Touch is vital to life. In order to survive, we need four hugs a day. For maintenance we need eight. And in order to grow, we - and our kids - need twelve hugs a day. (Virginia Satir) Children need to be caressed and cuddled as much as they need food and water. Hugs can comfort in tough times, and add joy to the good times. And the best thing: when you give one away, you get it right back!
What we learned about touch from our parents, probably affects us to this day. If they were physically affectionate, we were nourished and picked up healthy patterns. If they didn’t touch us (neglect), we learned either to crave physical contact or to close ourselves off to it. If their touch was painful and punishing (physical abuse) we probably learned to fear and avoid touch, and/or to punish and abuse others. If their touch was inappropriate and violated us (incest), they inflicted deep wounds that must be healed - and never repeated. What our mothers, fathers, and other caretakers did to us became the blueprint for how we interact with others.
Touch can be a sweet gift of love and pleasure, or it can be a cruel and damaging violation of another person. Without realizing it, without intending it, parents can cause touch disorders in their kids.
My maternal grandmother died delivering her fourth baby when my mother was only five. Theresa was the oldest of thirteen children growing up during hard times in Germany. There was little affection in her family and, throughout her life, she missed the affection and love of her own mother. Years later she asked, “How can I love when I was never loved?” Unfortunately, the pattern continued into my generation.
There was a lack of warmth in my family and sometimes harsh punishment that struck terror into my heart. I hated it and swore that I would never do that to my children. Later when I was a mother, I searched for and found better ways to deal with unacceptable behaviors.
For better or worse, we carry the remnants of family blueprints into our lives today. The patterns tend to repeat from one generation to the next - if we let them.
Here is the good news: Once we wake up to what we are doing and why we are doing it, we can choose to choose differently. Making the decision - “I’ll never do that to my kids...” - can stop the damaging pattern from repeating. As we try different approaches, we can move into love-based - instead of fear-based - interactions. Instead of wounding our children, we can heal ourselves.
Affection can enhance connection, reduce stress, and even decrease problem behaviors. One mother, for example, was upset about clashes with her nine year old daughter. Trying to mend the rift and reduce the tension between them, she made a concerted effort to do more touching. Over the next several months, she would pat her daughter on the shoulders and back, hug her more often, and hold her hand on walks. “As I increased the amount of physical contact,” she told me, “her acting out and resentment decreased.”
In New Zealand, several nurses worked with parents at risk of abusing their children; abusive touch had been the only touch they knew. Every week they gathered for a cup of tea, a lecture on child rearing, and to do this “WEATHER REPORT”. It’s fun. Find a body and try it.
The purpose of the exercise is to have fun. The rule for the exercise is: the person receiving the attention is in charge of the experience, and should give feedback. (“Stop that.” “More.” “Harder.” “Softer.”)
• Snowflakes - Tap your fingertips lightly on the other person’s head, shoulders, and back.
• Raindrops - Tap fingertips simultaneously and harder. (Remind the receiver to speak up if it doesn’t feel good.)
• Hail Stones - Same as raindrops, but with greater intensity. (Remember you are doing this to “inflict” pleasure, not pain.)
• Thunderclaps - With cupped palms, clap hands across the person’s back and shoulders. It makes a good noise. Do not slap.
• Lightning Bolts - The outside part of your hand moves back and forth across the shoulder muscles. Stay away from the bones.
• Eye of the Tornado - Circle thumbs across the person’s shoulders and down either side of the spine.
• Tidal Wave - Slide hands in long strokes up and down their arms and across the back.
• Calm After the Storm - Rest your hands on their shoulders and breathe deeply. Slowly lift your hands about one half inch, and pause.
• Turn around is fair play, so you both can have the experience. Then talk about it.
This is a sweet bedtime ritual for youngsters - good for connecting, relaxing, and dissolving the tensions of the day. Your kids will ask for it by name.
© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family:Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on. Visit http://www.drlouisehart.com for more information.
What we learned about touch from our parents, probably affects us to this day. If they were physically affectionate, we were nourished and picked up healthy patterns. If they didn’t touch us (neglect), we learned either to crave physical contact or to close ourselves off to it. If their touch was painful and punishing (physical abuse) we probably learned to fear and avoid touch, and/or to punish and abuse others. If their touch was inappropriate and violated us (incest), they inflicted deep wounds that must be healed - and never repeated. What our mothers, fathers, and other caretakers did to us became the blueprint for how we interact with others.
Touch can be a sweet gift of love and pleasure, or it can be a cruel and damaging violation of another person. Without realizing it, without intending it, parents can cause touch disorders in their kids.
My maternal grandmother died delivering her fourth baby when my mother was only five. Theresa was the oldest of thirteen children growing up during hard times in Germany. There was little affection in her family and, throughout her life, she missed the affection and love of her own mother. Years later she asked, “How can I love when I was never loved?” Unfortunately, the pattern continued into my generation.
There was a lack of warmth in my family and sometimes harsh punishment that struck terror into my heart. I hated it and swore that I would never do that to my children. Later when I was a mother, I searched for and found better ways to deal with unacceptable behaviors.
For better or worse, we carry the remnants of family blueprints into our lives today. The patterns tend to repeat from one generation to the next - if we let them.
Here is the good news: Once we wake up to what we are doing and why we are doing it, we can choose to choose differently. Making the decision - “I’ll never do that to my kids...” - can stop the damaging pattern from repeating. As we try different approaches, we can move into love-based - instead of fear-based - interactions. Instead of wounding our children, we can heal ourselves.
Affection can enhance connection, reduce stress, and even decrease problem behaviors. One mother, for example, was upset about clashes with her nine year old daughter. Trying to mend the rift and reduce the tension between them, she made a concerted effort to do more touching. Over the next several months, she would pat her daughter on the shoulders and back, hug her more often, and hold her hand on walks. “As I increased the amount of physical contact,” she told me, “her acting out and resentment decreased.”
In New Zealand, several nurses worked with parents at risk of abusing their children; abusive touch had been the only touch they knew. Every week they gathered for a cup of tea, a lecture on child rearing, and to do this “WEATHER REPORT”. It’s fun. Find a body and try it.
The purpose of the exercise is to have fun. The rule for the exercise is: the person receiving the attention is in charge of the experience, and should give feedback. (“Stop that.” “More.” “Harder.” “Softer.”)
• Snowflakes - Tap your fingertips lightly on the other person’s head, shoulders, and back.
• Raindrops - Tap fingertips simultaneously and harder. (Remind the receiver to speak up if it doesn’t feel good.)
• Hail Stones - Same as raindrops, but with greater intensity. (Remember you are doing this to “inflict” pleasure, not pain.)
• Thunderclaps - With cupped palms, clap hands across the person’s back and shoulders. It makes a good noise. Do not slap.
• Lightning Bolts - The outside part of your hand moves back and forth across the shoulder muscles. Stay away from the bones.
• Eye of the Tornado - Circle thumbs across the person’s shoulders and down either side of the spine.
• Tidal Wave - Slide hands in long strokes up and down their arms and across the back.
• Calm After the Storm - Rest your hands on their shoulders and breathe deeply. Slowly lift your hands about one half inch, and pause.
• Turn around is fair play, so you both can have the experience. Then talk about it.
This is a sweet bedtime ritual for youngsters - good for connecting, relaxing, and dissolving the tensions of the day. Your kids will ask for it by name.
© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family:Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on. Visit http://www.drlouisehart.com for more information.
How to Boost Your Happiness
You want to be happy. I want to be happy. Everyone wants to be happy. "Happiness,” according to Aristotle, “is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence." How is it, then, that the rates of depression in the U.S. are ten times higher than they were 50 years ago? Furthermore, how is it that the average age for the onset of depression is 14 as compared to 29 in 1960? Where have we gone wrong?
The revolutionary Positive Psychology movement has ushered in the Science of Happiness. New research helps clarify the concept. It is in our nature to pursue happiness and we can learn how to create it.
Sonja Lyubomirsky,* a psychology researcher, studied the behaviors and practices that make people happy. These are her eight “Happiness Boosters”:
1. Count your blessings. Write down what you are grateful for every day.
2. Practice acts of kindness. This makes you feel generous and capable, gives you a greater sense of connection with others, and garners approval and reciprocated kindess.
3. Savor life’s joys. Notice the wonder, delight, and simple pleasures of life.
4. Express gratitude and appreciation often.
5. Learn to forgive. Let go of anger toward others. Practicing forgiveness frees you and allows you to move on.
6. Invest time and energy in family and friends. Close relationships seem to be the most important factor in a satisfying life.
7. Take care of your body on a regular basis. Get enough sleep and exercise. Stretch your body. Laughter can lift your mood and make your days more satisfying.
8. Develop strategies for coping with stress and hardships. Find beliefs and other resources that help you get through the tough times.
In his book Authentic Happiness, Dr. Martin Seligman discusses the Three Roads to a Happy, Satisfied Life:
• Pleasure
• Engagement—depth of involvement
• Meaning—using personal strengths to serve a larger end.
Although many Americans build their lives around the pursuit of pleasure, it is actually the least consequential of Seligman’s three roads. The other two—engagement and meaning—are much more important for happiness.
How you define the word “happiness” is crucial. When the word “happy” is defined too broadly it can be a set-up for misery. For example, “happily ever after” is a myth. When it is too narrowly defined it will also lead to misery. For example, “I’ll be happy if he buys me diamond earrings for my birthday.” When your definition is “just right,” you can find happiness everyday and everywhere, in the wonder, delight, and simple pleasures of life. They’re there. Don’t miss them! Then savor the good feelings.
Charlie Brown had it all figured out. Here’s his wisdom from the finale of “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown”:
• Happiness is learning to whistle.
• Happiness is walking hand in hand.
• Happiness is climbing a tree.
• Happiness is having a sister and getting along.
• Happiness is anyone and anything at all that’s loved by you.
These three diverse authorities point to what’s most important: close relationships with caring people, and knowing how to get along. This is what is known as Social Intelligence. Lucky kids learn these skills early on in their families. The rest of us—myself included—learn from our mistakes, from other people’s mistakes, and from reading books and taking classes.
The problem is that many of us were taught the wrong things! Like having to be perfect. Like always looking for faults and weaknesses—and missing the good stuff. Like having to win—often at the expense of others. Like comparing ourselves with everyone else. Like disrespecting ourselves and other people. As a result, we suffer from low self-esteem and unhappiness.
Without knowing it, we have all downloaded bad information. But now we are smarter. We can examine the “glitches” and “bugs” in our “programming” and make necessary corrections. Learning new ideas and new skills can help us be happier. As we grow, our self-esteem and relationships will improve, and we’ll notice that we are smiling more often.
Happiness includes contentment, satisfaction, well-being, joy, pleasure, gratitude, and appreciation. The secrets to lasting fulfillment, according to the book Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, are: 1) goals that bring us meaning and direction in life, and 2) playing and having fun on a daily basis. By following these prescriptions and guidelines, we can create happiness ever after—one day at a time.
{* Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, at the University of California at Riverside, in the Time Magazine cover story article titled, The New Science of Happiness, January 17, 2005.}
____________________
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”
For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
The revolutionary Positive Psychology movement has ushered in the Science of Happiness. New research helps clarify the concept. It is in our nature to pursue happiness and we can learn how to create it.
Sonja Lyubomirsky,* a psychology researcher, studied the behaviors and practices that make people happy. These are her eight “Happiness Boosters”:
1. Count your blessings. Write down what you are grateful for every day.
2. Practice acts of kindness. This makes you feel generous and capable, gives you a greater sense of connection with others, and garners approval and reciprocated kindess.
3. Savor life’s joys. Notice the wonder, delight, and simple pleasures of life.
4. Express gratitude and appreciation often.
5. Learn to forgive. Let go of anger toward others. Practicing forgiveness frees you and allows you to move on.
6. Invest time and energy in family and friends. Close relationships seem to be the most important factor in a satisfying life.
7. Take care of your body on a regular basis. Get enough sleep and exercise. Stretch your body. Laughter can lift your mood and make your days more satisfying.
8. Develop strategies for coping with stress and hardships. Find beliefs and other resources that help you get through the tough times.
In his book Authentic Happiness, Dr. Martin Seligman discusses the Three Roads to a Happy, Satisfied Life:
• Pleasure
• Engagement—depth of involvement
• Meaning—using personal strengths to serve a larger end.
Although many Americans build their lives around the pursuit of pleasure, it is actually the least consequential of Seligman’s three roads. The other two—engagement and meaning—are much more important for happiness.
How you define the word “happiness” is crucial. When the word “happy” is defined too broadly it can be a set-up for misery. For example, “happily ever after” is a myth. When it is too narrowly defined it will also lead to misery. For example, “I’ll be happy if he buys me diamond earrings for my birthday.” When your definition is “just right,” you can find happiness everyday and everywhere, in the wonder, delight, and simple pleasures of life. They’re there. Don’t miss them! Then savor the good feelings.
Charlie Brown had it all figured out. Here’s his wisdom from the finale of “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown”:
• Happiness is learning to whistle.
• Happiness is walking hand in hand.
• Happiness is climbing a tree.
• Happiness is having a sister and getting along.
• Happiness is anyone and anything at all that’s loved by you.
These three diverse authorities point to what’s most important: close relationships with caring people, and knowing how to get along. This is what is known as Social Intelligence. Lucky kids learn these skills early on in their families. The rest of us—myself included—learn from our mistakes, from other people’s mistakes, and from reading books and taking classes.
The problem is that many of us were taught the wrong things! Like having to be perfect. Like always looking for faults and weaknesses—and missing the good stuff. Like having to win—often at the expense of others. Like comparing ourselves with everyone else. Like disrespecting ourselves and other people. As a result, we suffer from low self-esteem and unhappiness.
Without knowing it, we have all downloaded bad information. But now we are smarter. We can examine the “glitches” and “bugs” in our “programming” and make necessary corrections. Learning new ideas and new skills can help us be happier. As we grow, our self-esteem and relationships will improve, and we’ll notice that we are smiling more often.
Happiness includes contentment, satisfaction, well-being, joy, pleasure, gratitude, and appreciation. The secrets to lasting fulfillment, according to the book Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, are: 1) goals that bring us meaning and direction in life, and 2) playing and having fun on a daily basis. By following these prescriptions and guidelines, we can create happiness ever after—one day at a time.
{* Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, at the University of California at Riverside, in the Time Magazine cover story article titled, The New Science of Happiness, January 17, 2005.}
____________________
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”
For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Wonder Words to Brighten Your Kids' Day
"No act of kindness is ever wasted, no matter how small."
Wow! • Way to go • Super • You're special • Outstanding • Excellent • Great • Good for you • Well done • Remarkable • I knew you could do it • I'm proud of you • Fantastic • Super star • Nice work • Looking good • You're on top of it • Beautiful • Now you're flying • You're catching on • Now you've got It • You're incredible • Bravo • Hurray for you • You're on target • You're smart • Good job • Hot dog • Dynamite • You're beautiful • You're unique • Nothing can stop you now • Much Better • I Like You • I Like What You Do • I'm impressed • You’re clever • You're a winner • Spectacular • You're precious • You're terrific • Atta boy • Atta girl • Congratulations • You figured it out • Hip, hip, hurray! • I appreciate your help • You're getting better • Yeah! • Magnificent • Marvelous • Terrific • You're important • You're sensational • Super work • You're very creative • You are fun • I like the way you listen • I like how you're growing • I enjoy you • You tried hard • You are so thoughtful • I trust you • You're important • You mean a lot to me • That's correct • You're a joy • You're a treasure • You are wonderful • Awesome • You did your best • You made my day • I'm glad you're my kid • Thanks for being you • I love you!
(These words work best when said with sincerity, eye contact, a pat on the back, and / or a warm hug.)
© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on. Visit her website: http://www.drlouisehart.com for more information on her books, workshops, and free newsletter.
[Adapted from "The Winning Family".}
Wow! • Way to go • Super • You're special • Outstanding • Excellent • Great • Good for you • Well done • Remarkable • I knew you could do it • I'm proud of you • Fantastic • Super star • Nice work • Looking good • You're on top of it • Beautiful • Now you're flying • You're catching on • Now you've got It • You're incredible • Bravo • Hurray for you • You're on target • You're smart • Good job • Hot dog • Dynamite • You're beautiful • You're unique • Nothing can stop you now • Much Better • I Like You • I Like What You Do • I'm impressed • You’re clever • You're a winner • Spectacular • You're precious • You're terrific • Atta boy • Atta girl • Congratulations • You figured it out • Hip, hip, hurray! • I appreciate your help • You're getting better • Yeah! • Magnificent • Marvelous • Terrific • You're important • You're sensational • Super work • You're very creative • You are fun • I like the way you listen • I like how you're growing • I enjoy you • You tried hard • You are so thoughtful • I trust you • You're important • You mean a lot to me • That's correct • You're a joy • You're a treasure • You are wonderful • Awesome • You did your best • You made my day • I'm glad you're my kid • Thanks for being you • I love you!
(These words work best when said with sincerity, eye contact, a pat on the back, and / or a warm hug.)
© Dr. Louise Hart is author of The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem. With her doctorate in Community Psychology, she gives presentations to families of young children to prevent serious problems later on. Visit her website: http://www.drlouisehart.com for more information on her books, workshops, and free newsletter.
[Adapted from "The Winning Family".}
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