Encouraging Words To Improve Family Life and Build Self-Esteem

Never in the history of human procreation has parenting been easy. It comes naturally, to be sure, but juggling the needs of a family is anything but simple. Feeding, cleaning, and clothing can be stressful enough, but when you add the responsibilities of a home, a spouse, and a job, the challenge often seems overwhelming. Fortunately, the juggling act that parenting requires can call forth coping skills and creativity that we didn't know we had.

One hundred thousand years or so ago, a typical mom would be "stirring the soup with one hand and rocking the baby with the other, kicking off the woolly mastodon with one foot and rocking a cradle with the other, watching out for the return of the hunters and determining with the other on which cave wall she would paint a magical bison..." (Jean Houston). That was in the days before ballet lessons, birthday parties, soccer practice—and the demands of a job. No matter how you slice it, parenting is a lot of work.

My German immigrant parents were hard workers. Papa was a sheet metal worker whose hands were as hard as shoe leather. His life reflected his deepest belief: "Arbeit macht das Leben süess." Work makes life sweet.

My mother managed a household of eight people, which required a strict schedule. Monday was washday. She washed the clothes in the basement and then she hung them on the lines in the yard. If it rained, she had to take them down and re-hang them in the basement. Tuesday was ironing day. She could iron a shirt in three minutes flat! On Wednesday she mended clothes. On Thursday she changed bed sheets and cleaned upstairs. On Friday she cleaned the downstairs. Saturday was shopping day. She also baked bread and made soup stock for the week. On Sunday, after church, she cooked a pot roast or chicken for dinner.

But something very important was missing in our home: emotional warmth and appreciation. My parents had not received affirmation and appreciation when they were young, and they didn't know how to give it. Words of criticism slipped out of their mouths more easily than words of gratitude. Yet positive words would have added sweetness to our family life and increased everyone’s self-esteem.

I remember returning home as a teacher, eager to show my mother a beautiful maternity dress I had made. Opening the door, she gave me a quick glance saying, “You have a spot on your dress.” Her thoughtless criticism hurt me deeply. Sadly, because of her mindset, she missed seeing the beauty of the garment and couldn’t sense my feeling of triumph. Another opportunity for mother-daughter closeness and shared joy was lost.

When people suffer “appreciation deprivation,” their self-esteem sags. They may feel resentful, or they may complain about how hard they work and how ungrateful everyone is. Everyone suffers as a result of these negative feelings.

Here’s the good news: Appreciation and encouragement can change the emotional climate in your home. Here are 10 words and phrases you might use:

1. "Thanks for setting the table."
2. "I'm glad you remembered to brush your teeth.”
3. "I like how you share toys with your friend.”
4. “I appreciate what you do.”
5. “I’m glad you’re my son/daughter/partner.”
6. “You’re fun to play with.”
7. “That was a good try.”
8. “You are so thoughtful!”
9. “I like the way you listen.”
10. “You’re terrific!”

When you look for the good stuff and comment on it, you can actually increase it! That’s because, what you look for you find, and what you focus on expands. And according to brain research, emotions are contagious. Therefore, while criticism and hurtful words increase negative feelings, gratitude and kindness increase positive feelings, reduce tension, and sweeten relationships.


Instead of giving ourselves critical and unkind messages—“stinkin’ thinkin’—we can use positive messages in our self-talk. Tell yourself what you would like to hear. "Good for me!” “The dinner was delicious!" “I’m a good mom/dad.” You might even give yourself a pat on the back. It’s also okay to ask for what you want: "I worked very hard today and would like a hug, a thank you, or, applause.” Don’t miss opportunities to give kind, positive messages to others. Relationships are happier when couples frequently give each other appreciation and gratitude for their contributions. Your kids will notice those positive messages and do the same, learning pro-social skills in the process.

Little changes can make a big difference. When we are gracious, we focus on what's right rather than what's wrong. We look at what we do have rather than what we don't have. When you count your blessings and sprinkle your days with appreciation, you will notice joy increasing in your family.

© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”

For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.