It is in our nature to pursue happiness; why, then, is misery so common? How is it that the rates of depression in the U.S. are ten times higher than they were 50 years ago? And how is it that the average age for the onset of depression is 14, as compared to 29 in the 1960s? Where have we gone wrong?
Fortunately, there is good news: The Positive Psychology movement has ushered in the new Science of Happiness. We now know that happiness can be learned. In this article you will find proven tools and simple strategies for improving the quality of your life. An uplifting approach, new skills, and different choices can make a world of difference in your life. When you make positive choices, you begin an upward spiral. Things will just keep getting better and better.
Here are Twelve “Happiness Boosters”:
1. Close relationships. The most important factor in a satisfying life is having close relationships. Brain research tells us that humans are “hardwired for connection.” As we improve our ability to get along with others, family life gets better and better.
2. A sense of purpose. In order to be happy, we need to have a sense of direction, a sense of purpose. Children give our lives new meaning and a profound sense of purpose. All the things we do for them on a daily basis—feed, clothe, and comfort them, and teach and support them—are part of our mission to be good parents.
3. Nurture positive emotion. When we are enjoying positive feelings, we are creative, expansive, and tolerant. When we are in a good mood we are more likable, and our connections are likely to improve. This is also true for our children and our partners. It’s worth the effort to put more positive emotion into their lives and our own.
4. Positive expectations. When adults have negative expectations of children, they project those expectation onto their kids. Kids “read” that. They don’t want to disappoint you, so they are likely to do what you really don’t want them to do. Children live up to—or down to—your expectations. Expecting good things of them will inspire the positive behaviors you want.
5. Improve your listening skills. Think back to a time when you had something important to say and you were not listened to. What happened inside of you? Now remember a time when the person really listened, hanging on to your every word. You felt important, loved, worthwhile. Good listening is a gift—to both the speaker and the listener. It is an opportunity to be in tune with another person, to experience his or her inner world, to have empathy, and to be connected. This skill is crucial for connecting with others and for being happy.
6. Keep feelings moving. To be healthy and happy we need to know how to deal with a full range of feelings. “Healthy kids emote all the time; they roar and cry and yell and giggle and keep their emotions in motion, moving through them.” (The Winning Family, Louise Hart) All emotions are okay. You can help your children move through their emotions by letting them express those emotions. Then you can help them put a name to each emotion. When kids can “talk it out” they don’t have to “act it out.” They don’t have to hold their feelings inside. Becoming comfortable with all of your own feelings can help you re-parent yourself as you parent your child.
7. Let go of perfectionism. “Perfectionism is the world’s greatest con game. It’s a concept that doesn’t fit reality.” (On the Wings of Self-Esteem, Louise Hart) My favorite definition of a perfectionist is: someone who takes great pains and gives them to others! Humans are not perfect. Kids drop, spill, and forget things, and so do we. When we expect “perfect” we end up being frustrated, disappointed, and angry—very unhappy. Decide right now to stop pretending to be perfect. Laugh at bloopers. Resolve to learn how to let go of perfectionism.
8. Play more. Be silly. Have more fun. When we play, important things are happening beneath the surface. The thrill of being alive pervades our bodies. If you have forgotten how to play, your children can help you remember. My children helped me remember some wonderful old games like hide-and-seek and squirt-gun fights. They even encouraged me to try new games like hacky-sack and skateboarding. Through our children we can see the world with fresh eyes. With them we can cut loose from stuffy adultness, be totally foolish, and get away with being unforgivably silly! We can reclaim forgotten parts of ourselves and rediscover the finer points of childhood. Families—and life—are supposed to be fun!
9. Appreciation and Gratitude. Moms work hard. Dads work hard. Yet research has found that they mostly don’t feel appreciated. When we don’t feel appreciated, we may feel resentful. We may grumble about how hard we work and how ungrateful everyone is. The good news: Appreciation is easy to give and it can improve the emotional climate in your home. Here’s a homework assignment for you: Make a Gratitude List. Think of five or ten things you are grateful for every day. Do it with your family. Talk about this at dinner or when you’re putting your kids to bed. Focusing on gratitude will make you happier.
10. Simplify, simplify, simplify. We Americans are trying to fit more and more things into less and less time. And it doesn’t work. Too much stuff and too many activities stress and overwhelm us. As the emphasis on material possessions increases, so do the levels of depression. Too much stuff burdens us and distracts us from what really brings us happiness: a sense of purpose and meaning, and playing and having fun on a daily basis.
11. Adjust your focus. Do you see the glass as half-empty or half-full? Do you first see the low grades or the high grades on the report card? Are you a fault-finder or a strength-builder? I remember visiting my mother when I was pregnant with my first child. I wore a dress that I made myself. My peers thought I had done a wonderful job and had told me so, so I was eager to show it off to my mom. I knocked on the door. When she opened it, she looked me over from top to bottom and said, “You have a spot on your dress.” Sadly, she missed the beauty of the garment and my excitement and triumph in creating it. Her focus on finding fault hurt me deeply and disconnected us even further. If she had had a positive focus she could have seen the beauty of the dress and my excitement; it would have been a sweet moment that brought us closer. (She might have mentioned the spot later and helped me remove it. This would have felt like a favor, not an attack.)
12. Emotions are contagious. Little children who are loved and cared for have a natural joy; when you’re in tune with them, their joy can be infectious. Older children, even ten-year-olds, can be taught the skills of optimistic and hopeful thinking and action. In The Optimistic Child, Martin Seligman reports that when children learn to be optimistic and hopeful, their rates of depression are cut in half during puberty. Adults can also learn to be optimistic—if they really want to learn.
As you apply these tips you will notice an increase in your own positive feelings—and those of your family members. Begin now and keep at it. Little changes can make a big difference.
Making your kids happy makes you happy. And when you are happy and smiling more, your kids will be happier and laughing more. These choices—these changes—can begin an upward spiral towards having a happier family.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, and non-guilt provoking!”
For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Showing posts with label purpose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label purpose. Show all posts
Monday, June 16, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Honoring Today’s Dads
I noticed something remarkable on a recent outing to the playground with my granddaughters. Four dads in a row were pushing their toddlers on swings—almost in sync. The playful dance thrilled me! Several other dads were there that warm, sunny morning: one was blowing bubbles, one was comforting a hurt child and wiping her tears, and some were talking with each other. One man told me that becoming a dad had a greater impact on his sense of purpose and meaning in life than any other transition.
That scene was strikingly different from playground scenes thirty years ago when my kids were young. In 1970, 24% of all households had the “traditional” arrangement of a breadwinning father married to a homemaking mother who was also the primary childcare provider. Today only 7% fit that model.
At that time gender roles ruled at the playground—and in the home. Although women (like myself) were in charge of the home front, it was understood that we were “just housewives” and “didn’t work.” Caring for the children was considered women’s work and was therefore undervalued by society. I remember hearing a dad boast that, even though he had five children, he had never changed a diaper. More and more men are now co-parenting and sharing housework.
What an enormous change in our families! According to family historian Stephanie Coontz, marriage has changed more in the last 30 years than in the previous 3,000. “Men’s greater involvement at home is good for their relationships with their spouses, and also good for their children. Fathers who are more involved with their families raise sons who are more expressive and empathic and daughters who are more likely to do well in school—especially in math and science.”
This increased time and involvement with their children means that fathers are bonding with them—early and deeply. This is great news for the children, the dads, the moms, and society as a whole. Research tells us that the number one antidote to risky behavior in children is a strong relationship with a parent. This connection will protect kids throughout their childhood years and give them inner strength as they encounter the dangers of society.
The recent changes in family life have brought many benefits:
• More equal family roles, including co-parenting and partnerships,
• Greater personal freedom and independence,
• Increased mobility.
These changes also present a host of new challenges:
• Disconnection from extended family,
• Isolation from neighbors and community,
• Maintenance of healthy balance between work and home life.
The grandparent-grandchild relationship is very special. Because my folks were immigrants, I never knew my own grandparents. I committed to doing whatever was necessary to ensure that my grandchildren had a different experience, so ten years ago I moved 1500 miles across the country to be close to them. The connections are sweeter than I had imagined, for all three generations. Solutions to the common disconnection between grandparents and grandchildren are offered in my book, The Winning Family; you can “adopt” grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and extend your family.
In addition, dads and moms need a new parenting style that is not based on dominance and submission, orders and obedience. Partner-parents need to learn the Democratic Leadership Style, which is based on mutual respect, communication, choice, and cooperation.
“Like father, like son” is an old expression that is currently being questioned and disproved. The fathers of the last generation were defined by their roles as sole breadwinners and strict disciplinarians. The phrase, “Wait until your father comes home…” struck fear in the hearts of many youngsters, and undermined a loving connection between fathers and their children.
The modern partner-dads who are designing a new vision place a premium on:
• Being there. Investing in family. Engaging and connecting deeply.
• Holding others in high regard. Showing respect.
• Knowing that kids see and imitate everything they do and say.
• Listening intently to others and encouraging their opinions.
• Discussing the rules.
• Committing to peaceful, non-violent conflict resolution.
The family of origin has a huge influence. We can learn from the past—the way we were raised—and make a better future for our children.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.
For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
That scene was strikingly different from playground scenes thirty years ago when my kids were young. In 1970, 24% of all households had the “traditional” arrangement of a breadwinning father married to a homemaking mother who was also the primary childcare provider. Today only 7% fit that model.
At that time gender roles ruled at the playground—and in the home. Although women (like myself) were in charge of the home front, it was understood that we were “just housewives” and “didn’t work.” Caring for the children was considered women’s work and was therefore undervalued by society. I remember hearing a dad boast that, even though he had five children, he had never changed a diaper. More and more men are now co-parenting and sharing housework.
What an enormous change in our families! According to family historian Stephanie Coontz, marriage has changed more in the last 30 years than in the previous 3,000. “Men’s greater involvement at home is good for their relationships with their spouses, and also good for their children. Fathers who are more involved with their families raise sons who are more expressive and empathic and daughters who are more likely to do well in school—especially in math and science.”
This increased time and involvement with their children means that fathers are bonding with them—early and deeply. This is great news for the children, the dads, the moms, and society as a whole. Research tells us that the number one antidote to risky behavior in children is a strong relationship with a parent. This connection will protect kids throughout their childhood years and give them inner strength as they encounter the dangers of society.
The recent changes in family life have brought many benefits:
• More equal family roles, including co-parenting and partnerships,
• Greater personal freedom and independence,
• Increased mobility.
These changes also present a host of new challenges:
• Disconnection from extended family,
• Isolation from neighbors and community,
• Maintenance of healthy balance between work and home life.
The grandparent-grandchild relationship is very special. Because my folks were immigrants, I never knew my own grandparents. I committed to doing whatever was necessary to ensure that my grandchildren had a different experience, so ten years ago I moved 1500 miles across the country to be close to them. The connections are sweeter than I had imagined, for all three generations. Solutions to the common disconnection between grandparents and grandchildren are offered in my book, The Winning Family; you can “adopt” grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and extend your family.
In addition, dads and moms need a new parenting style that is not based on dominance and submission, orders and obedience. Partner-parents need to learn the Democratic Leadership Style, which is based on mutual respect, communication, choice, and cooperation.
“Like father, like son” is an old expression that is currently being questioned and disproved. The fathers of the last generation were defined by their roles as sole breadwinners and strict disciplinarians. The phrase, “Wait until your father comes home…” struck fear in the hearts of many youngsters, and undermined a loving connection between fathers and their children.
The modern partner-dads who are designing a new vision place a premium on:
• Being there. Investing in family. Engaging and connecting deeply.
• Holding others in high regard. Showing respect.
• Knowing that kids see and imitate everything they do and say.
• Listening intently to others and encouraging their opinions.
• Discussing the rules.
• Committing to peaceful, non-violent conflict resolution.
The family of origin has a huge influence. We can learn from the past—the way we were raised—and make a better future for our children.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.
For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Shaping Great Kids With Positive Parenting
According to a Canadian survey, nearly 30% of infants and young children have an identifiable emotional, social, or intellectual problem that could have been prevented through positive parenting.
Positive parenting involves all aspects of healthy child development. Based on decades of research, it enhances the physical, social, and mental health of children by addressing major skill areas that inform future well-being. Parents who use this approach have children who are healthier and happier, as well as more cooperative, connected, and confident.
The relationship between emotional experiences as children, and physical and mental health as adults, is powerful and life-long. Childhood traumas give birth to high-risk behaviors, disorders, diseases, and unspeakable pain and suffering. Unfortunately, there’s a tendency to do to our children what was done to us—repeat the “bad stuff”—because that’s how we learned to parent. As a result, parents find themselves caught in a downward spiral.
Here’s the good news: Raising children gives parents the opportunity to take the high road. They can heal themselves by choosing to not repeat the “bad stuff” and choosing instead to change negative intergenerational family patterns. This heroic work requires that parents be aware of and learn to manage their emotions and behaviors. It also requires parents to be responsive to the needs of their children. Empathy—putting yourself in your child’s shoes and recalling what childhood was like for you—can become your motivation to change intergenerational patterns. Treating children with respect and tuning in to their thoughts and feelings can make a huge difference.
It started for me when I was very young. As a childhood victim of anger and abuse, I swore that I would never subject my children to the same treatment. Many other parents have made the same vow, resolving not to repeat harmful actions that caused them fear, anger, and suffering. They consciously explore ways to be not reactive, but pro-active in raising healthy kids. Starting with those good intentions, they learn to improve communication and other skills. This allows them to move into an upward spiral.
Positive parents learn to focus on the “good stuff”—respect, warmth, nurturance, empathy, and win-win attitudes. They discover that when they focus on the behaviors they want from their children, those behaviors increase. At the same time, the behaviors that they don’t want fall away and disappear. It’s the Law of Attraction: What you focus on expands.
There are lots of ways of looking at things. When parents change their thoughts and beliefs, they can actually change their worlds and their children’s worlds. When you change your mind, you change your life.
Invest in Kids/Canada has created three main “How To’s” for positive parenting: Comfort, Play & Teach™. Tried and true, each is a simple way of relating more positively to children:
• Comfort. Love/comfort is the primary necessity of babies and children. There are many shades of comfort/love: caring, nurturing, touch, affection, understanding, compassion, and warmth. When you comfort your children, meet their needs, and show respect and empathy, they feel secure, valued, and content.
• Play. The “work” of children is play, and moms and dads are their favorite playmates. This enriching activity has far-reaching benefits—fun, silliness, spontaneity, creativity, connection, and more. Important things happen beneath the surface when children play.
• Teach. Parents help their children learn about life by teaching. Talking about and commenting on situations helps kids solve problems, understand new things, and make sense of the world.
I would add to the list:
• Flex and Yield. Structure and routine are very important, but rigidity can lead to unwanted struggles. It’s important to be flexible when time and circumstances dictate. When parents are spontaneous in addressing challenges and opportunities that may suddenly appear, life is less stressful. Flexibility is essential for psychological health and for a happy family.
Positive parenting has nothing to do with being “perfect.” No one is perfect! Trying to be perfect—perfectionism—is a self-defeating behavior that dooms people to frustration, anxiety, depression, and hiding mistakes. They never feel good enough. No matter how hard they work, they are never satisfied.
Furthermore, perfectionism rigidifies behavior, making parents unable to respond adequately when flexibility is needed. Unfortunately, everyone around a perfectionist becomes self-critical and suffers from low self-esteem. And sadly, the pursuit of perfection seems to be increasing as media culture evolves. This puts even more families at risk. As people realize that perfectionism is not a good thing, and as they learn how to release its hold, negative interactions will decrease and positive interactions will increase.
Positive parenting information can support and guide you on the high road and give you tools, tips, and techniques to help you shape great kids. The many benefits of positive parenting include good feelings and good times on a daily basis, a sense of well-being, and life-long loving connections, extending even into future generations.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”
For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
Positive parenting involves all aspects of healthy child development. Based on decades of research, it enhances the physical, social, and mental health of children by addressing major skill areas that inform future well-being. Parents who use this approach have children who are healthier and happier, as well as more cooperative, connected, and confident.
The relationship between emotional experiences as children, and physical and mental health as adults, is powerful and life-long. Childhood traumas give birth to high-risk behaviors, disorders, diseases, and unspeakable pain and suffering. Unfortunately, there’s a tendency to do to our children what was done to us—repeat the “bad stuff”—because that’s how we learned to parent. As a result, parents find themselves caught in a downward spiral.
Here’s the good news: Raising children gives parents the opportunity to take the high road. They can heal themselves by choosing to not repeat the “bad stuff” and choosing instead to change negative intergenerational family patterns. This heroic work requires that parents be aware of and learn to manage their emotions and behaviors. It also requires parents to be responsive to the needs of their children. Empathy—putting yourself in your child’s shoes and recalling what childhood was like for you—can become your motivation to change intergenerational patterns. Treating children with respect and tuning in to their thoughts and feelings can make a huge difference.
It started for me when I was very young. As a childhood victim of anger and abuse, I swore that I would never subject my children to the same treatment. Many other parents have made the same vow, resolving not to repeat harmful actions that caused them fear, anger, and suffering. They consciously explore ways to be not reactive, but pro-active in raising healthy kids. Starting with those good intentions, they learn to improve communication and other skills. This allows them to move into an upward spiral.
Positive parents learn to focus on the “good stuff”—respect, warmth, nurturance, empathy, and win-win attitudes. They discover that when they focus on the behaviors they want from their children, those behaviors increase. At the same time, the behaviors that they don’t want fall away and disappear. It’s the Law of Attraction: What you focus on expands.
There are lots of ways of looking at things. When parents change their thoughts and beliefs, they can actually change their worlds and their children’s worlds. When you change your mind, you change your life.
Invest in Kids/Canada has created three main “How To’s” for positive parenting: Comfort, Play & Teach™. Tried and true, each is a simple way of relating more positively to children:
• Comfort. Love/comfort is the primary necessity of babies and children. There are many shades of comfort/love: caring, nurturing, touch, affection, understanding, compassion, and warmth. When you comfort your children, meet their needs, and show respect and empathy, they feel secure, valued, and content.
• Play. The “work” of children is play, and moms and dads are their favorite playmates. This enriching activity has far-reaching benefits—fun, silliness, spontaneity, creativity, connection, and more. Important things happen beneath the surface when children play.
• Teach. Parents help their children learn about life by teaching. Talking about and commenting on situations helps kids solve problems, understand new things, and make sense of the world.
I would add to the list:
• Flex and Yield. Structure and routine are very important, but rigidity can lead to unwanted struggles. It’s important to be flexible when time and circumstances dictate. When parents are spontaneous in addressing challenges and opportunities that may suddenly appear, life is less stressful. Flexibility is essential for psychological health and for a happy family.
Positive parenting has nothing to do with being “perfect.” No one is perfect! Trying to be perfect—perfectionism—is a self-defeating behavior that dooms people to frustration, anxiety, depression, and hiding mistakes. They never feel good enough. No matter how hard they work, they are never satisfied.
Furthermore, perfectionism rigidifies behavior, making parents unable to respond adequately when flexibility is needed. Unfortunately, everyone around a perfectionist becomes self-critical and suffers from low self-esteem. And sadly, the pursuit of perfection seems to be increasing as media culture evolves. This puts even more families at risk. As people realize that perfectionism is not a good thing, and as they learn how to release its hold, negative interactions will decrease and positive interactions will increase.
Positive parenting information can support and guide you on the high road and give you tools, tips, and techniques to help you shape great kids. The many benefits of positive parenting include good feelings and good times on a daily basis, a sense of well-being, and life-long loving connections, extending even into future generations.
© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:
• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."
• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton and also Mothering Magazine: “Uniquely inspiring, accessible, an non-guilt provoking!”
For more information, or to sign up for her free, inspiring newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.
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